Sunday, September 18, 2011

Beware of the Disappearing Man

There is a rare trait amongst the race of men that has been passed down throughout the centuries. Sometimes it’s inherited, sometimes it’s slowly developed, and sometimes the man is just suddenly afflicted with it. Before you get too worried and make your man go to the doctor, let me reiterate that it’s a rare trait. Not every man comes down with this, but I will caution you that there are varying degrees to which they can suffer from this trait and it can come and go quickly.
The milder form, of course, is when you become the Game Day Widow. This could be just during football season, or he could suffer from this year round depending on his level of enthusiasm for sports (you can also substitute hunting here). This is common amongst men and shouldn’t be of major concern to you. He has testosterone, he loves sports, he yells at the ref on TV, he is a man. While he’s glued to the tube and expressing his man crush for Tom Brady, go hang out with your girlfriends or soak in a hot bath. He’ll remember you exist during the commercial breaks and will be yelling for a sandwich or beer in about an hour or so.
Then there’s the Weekend Romancer, A.K.A. Midnight Romeo, A.K.A. This-Relationship-Is-Based-Around-My-Schedule…er. This is the guy who you never hear from during the week/day until every other distraction is out of sight, out of mind. His life comes first and you’re not a major factor in his life even though he swears up and down that you are. As I eluded earlier, he wants to see you on his time regardless of what you’ve got going on. He’ll text you at 1 a.m., he’ll just show up at your house unannounced, and then you never hear from him again until he wants something from you. This, ladies, is a red flag rising on the mast. You’re either OK with this or you’re not. You better decide early on in the relationship because once that pattern is set it’s hard to break.
Next comes Mr. Emotionally Unattached. It means just that. He’s in the relationship physically but now you and your relationship is just a habit to him and he’s just going through the motions. He’s not in love with you anymore, he doesn’t express happiness, sadness, longing, or passion…the most emotion you’re likely to get from him is anger and frustration after you’ve nagged him to the point of an argument. This is also a red flag, and the prognosis is bleak.
Then comes the worst diagnosis of all. With this type of man there is no denying the message he is trying to send you. There is no denying what his feelings towards you are. There is no denying that you will not have a future with this man. This is the infamous Vanishing Man. One day he’s in your life and the next he’s gone. He stops calling you, stops emailing you, stops texting to you, and literally falls off the face of the Earth. I’m not talking about a day or two…I’m talking about a week or two. If you want to be optimistic I’ll even give you a month or two. There’s no point trying to track him down, just accept that he’s too cowardly to tell you how he feels and he’s hiding from you. Prognosis: It’s over. He’s not coming back.
Now, every man has the potential to be stricken with any form of disappearing. It may come and go within a couple of hours. It might be a phase he goes through for a couple of months while he’s having a mid-life crisis. Or, it could be something that he’s afflicted with permanently. You owe to yourself to figure out if he suffers from these symptoms, and if he does, if you’re OK with how things are going in your relationship.
The big question I ask my clients who come in unhappy with their partner is whether they can see themselves spending another 5 years with them. So ask yourself…can I do this for another 5 years? Another year? 6 months? A month? If you’ve answered ‘no’ to all these questions you obviously know what you have to do. Get to doing it.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Guys Do It, Too!

So, I was washing the dishes after dinner and was using that time to ponder over my current situation. I was doing the usual self-deprecating thing we women do when the sizzle starts to fizzle in our relationships. That would be wondering why all the men I get involved with are so excited about me when we first get together but over time they lose steam and interest. If I'm so great and wonderful in the beginning and I've been consistent (if not worked harder) with treating you well, why is my awesomeness not enough almost a year into the relationship? It then dawned on me mid-scrub that guys are no different than we are when it comes to dreams and expectations in a new relationship.

I don't know why that surprised me - I guess I just always thought of guys as being completely black and white creatures. I still have the whole Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus mentality going on I guess. While I concede the simple fact that we have different body parts and are socialized differently, why would a man not want to meet the girl of his dreams and have the love of his life?

Take one of my exes as an example. He and I began dating a couple of months after his first tour in Iraq. He had just gotten out of a long-term relationship with a girl he didn't feel loved him anymore and was just using him for his money. I enter stage right with all my wonderful qualities and give him all the attention, affection, and warm fuzzies he had missed with her for years... Voila, the makings of a potential fairytale romance. Is this not what I had described in "Death of the Dream?" Things obviously changed between us after the first six months or so. We stayed together for a few more months, but after a year and a half he just couldn't get that same happiness and warm fuzzies as he did in the beginning.

I used to beat myself up over the idea that I wasn't making him happy anymore. I shed many a tear over the thought that I just wasn't good enough...nothing I did was good enough and he would never love me the way he used to. Now, years later, I understand that he wasn't happy with his life in general, not me specifically. It wouldn't have mattered if I had all the qualities of a Stepford Wife and did everything right. I had no power to change what was happening in his life and I certainly didn't have the power to alter his mood.

In every relationship I get into I want my man to put me on a pedestal, but I want to be up there unconditionally. I want him to treat me the way I want to be treated, but I don't want every minor mistake or bad day he has to cause me to slip from up there. Six months into the relationship I usually find myself hanging on the ledge for dear life and then my hands start slipping finger by finger as the months go by. By the time I'm hanging on by one finger I'm usually beating myself up over why I didn't do more, what I could have done differently, why I'm not good enough...

What a relief to finally realize that I am good enough. I'm still the great girl that I was in the beginning, but his fantasy of what I was didn't pan out over time. He made me Super Girlfriend. He made me something I wasn't, I never pretended to be more than I was. You can't live up to impossible standards forever.

Don't call your man up and beg him to tell you what you did wrong and why he doesn't love you anymore. You're not the woman of his dreams. That might hurt to hear now, but remember, if you're not the woman of his dreams he's not going to treat you like you are. You deserve better than that. Take a deep breath and let this sink in. Hopefully the relief will wash over you as it did me. You are good enough, he just failed to realize you're not a Disney princess that goes around singing to animals, baking from scratch in sexy lingerie, who stays young and firm forever, that's always perky and will rush to his beckon call... You are wonderful, beautiful, fabulous you. Your worth does not diminish because one guy can't love you unconditionally.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

It’s Not Just Their Fault

So obviously the whole point of this blog is to remind you ladies to be realistic about men and relationships, and to further remind you that you do have a say in what happens to you. It’s very freeing to come to the realization that you can make your life anything you want it to be. It’s even more freeing to realize that you don’t have to be in a sucky relationship.
For any men reading this, just let me say what I need to say, but don’t stop here…I’m going to keep it real for y’all too.
First and foremost ladies, no man has the ability to control you unless you let him control you. We’ve already talked about how you can’t control your man, but the same is true for him. Controlling behaviors come in all different shapes and sizes – jealousy, physical abuse, emotional abuse, possessiveness, belittling, guilt trips…you’ve seen it. If your man (or woman) is more intent on making you feel bad about yourself than making you happy – leave. You deserve better than that. It’s scary to leave a relationship, especially when you’ve been in one for a long time, I’ve been there, but trust me when I say that you’ll make it through.
Here comes some tough love, ladies. I said we have to be realistic, and making the guys out to be in the wrong all the time is not realistic. There are some guys out there who are true jerks, but ladies we can do some pretty messed up things too. Look back on your last failed relationship. What did you do to contribute to the problems?
Sometimes we get too focused on what our man isn’t doing for us that we over look what he is doing. We expect a lot from them, but give nothing back in return. If you’re only in a relationship for what a man can give you, you’re in it for the wrong reason. Be more concerned about the acts of love and kindness he gives to you rather than the material objects he buys for you. Don’t get hung up on him not sending you flowers just because it’s Monday and miss out on the fact that he went to see that sappy romantic comedy with you he wouldn’t otherwise be caught dead in. Look at all the small things he does to prove himself than the things you think he should be doing but isn’t.
Most of us, male and female, thrive on drama of some sorts. Are you creating unnecessary drama in your relationship? Comedian Dane Cook joked about the “nothing fights” couples have after they’ve been together for a while. In his bit on these fights, he talked about a couple arguing over jelly in the grocery store. Come on now…get real. Life and relationships are hard enough as it is without having to bring in insignificant things to argue about. Couples I’ve counseled before have come to me with these exact problems, and I’ve found that these fights represent the symptoms of the syndrome. In other words, they’re fighting over small things because there are bigger issues that need addressing. Quit wasting your time on avoiding the main problem.
Take some time to honestly assess what you’re doing wrong in your relationship. It could be as simple as not communicating your needs to being possessive to just taking out your frustrations out on your man. Once you figure it out, keep yourself in check and choose your battles. Think of it this way, pretend you have a cap on how many fights you can have before your relationship falls apart. It doesn’t matter what you’re fighting about, it’s just the simple fact that you’re fighting. Is an argument over jelly worth creeping towards that ceiling?
Remember, he can’t control you, you can’t control him, but you can control what you say and do. Don’t nitpick and overanalyze every little thing your man does. Just because you got him and are in a relationship doesn’t mean that the work is over. Even if you’ve been married for 30 years, the work isn’t over. Work diligently to have the type of relationship you want and stop contributing to your part of the problems in your relationship.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Control Freaks, Read This

Alright all you control freaks out there…this one is for you. I just have two words for you. Shut. Up. Yup, you read that correctly. Just shut up. Being an overbearing shrew is only going to make your man 1.) Give up; 2.) Get mad; 3.) Do the complete opposite of what you want out of spite; 4.) Think you’re an overbearing shrew who will never think he does anything right.
Maybe he doesn’t do anything exactly the way you want it, but guess what…at least he’s putting forth the effort! That’s more than what most other men do! Nagging and belittling him only accomplishes one thing: it creates an emotional gap between the two of you.
Remember, there are more important things to fight about. What does it matter if he folds the towels differently than you do or puts the dishes in the dishwasher a different way? Do the towels get folded? Yes. Do the dishes get washed? Yes. Are you the one having to do it all? No!
How many men do you know want to help around the house? If you’ve ever been to a bachelor pad you know the answer to that question. The man willing to contribute and put forth an effort is a diamond in the rough. What are you thinking trying to kill that in him??? You should be ashamed of yourselves.
Remember what I said earlier…a man who belittles you does not deserve you. Here’s a reality check for you…do you deserve your man? If you feel you do, then please act like it. Show him you appreciate the effort he puts forth in the household and in your relationship. Trust me, there’s a long line of women (myself included) who would gladly take him off your hands.
There’s nothing sexier than a man who is willing to do whatever it takes to take care of his woman/family. It might irk you that he’s not doing it your way, but for heaven’s sake, build a bridge and get over it.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Why Doesn’t He Love Me?

Right now I’m listening to “Why Don’t You Love Me?” by Beyonce. Here’s a little taste of the lyrics:
http://blip.fm/listen/Beyonce::Why+Don't+You+Love+Me+(Official+Album+Version)

Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
Why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?

There's nothing not to love about me
No, no, there's nothing not to love about me
I'm lovely
There's nothing not to need about me
No, no, there's nothing not to need about me

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard a woman say that, or thought or said those words myself. Just like you, I’m a great catch. I’m educated, have a great career, have an awesome personality, and have many wonderful qualities to offer a man. So why can’t I get a man to see how awesome I am? Why won’t a man just fall madly in love with me and not be able to live without me and marry me and work every day to make me happy?

Dear Lord in Heaven please help me to get over myself.

Yes, you are wonderful. You’re an amazing woman that a guy would be crazy to give up, but guess what… a guy may be madly in love with you, but he’ll still give you up if he doesn’t think you’re the right woman for him. That’s just how life is. Sometimes you get the guy you want, but he’s not the guy you need. Sometimes you get the guy you need, but it’s not the right time, or he’s not the right one a year down the road. We all grow and change over time. Sometimes in a relationship we grow and change together, but sometimes we grow apart and realize that we don’t have anything in common any more.

From now on, be your own best friend. If you would give words of comfort and encouragement to your best friends during a breakup or rocky patch, why wouldn’t you give it to yourself? We all have the same script we follow when it comes to consoling our girlfriends; use it on yourself after a breakup. I don’t encourage the man hating though – it doesn’t accomplish anything. He isn’t a jerk for not wanting to be with you anymore. He’s just being honest. Would you rather he lead you on for another year?
Let me rant a minute about the whole "leading you on" concept...unless he is an accomplished con artist after you for a large inheritance, there's no such thing. Come on, think about how many times he's tried to tell you or show you he wants out but you wouldn't give him an easy out. You knew what he was doing, but you started with the excuses, begging, denying it, trying to make changes, etc. Your man doesn't want to hurt your feelings by coming right out and telling you he doesn't want to be with you, but his actions will speak loud and clear about what his intentions are. You've been engaged for a year but he won't discuss setting a date? He doesn't want to kiss you anymore? "Yes, baby, I still want to be with you" but he won't spend time with you anymore? He doesn't tell you he loves you anymore? In the words of Bill Engvall...here's your sign.
If your relationship isn’t meant to be...it doesn’t matter how educated you are, how well you cook, how fit and trimmed your body is, etc…he isn’t going to stay with you. Stop wasting your time thinking about how great you’ve been to him and how he just doesn’t see how wonderful you are. A square peg won’t fit into a round hole no matter how hard you try to make it fit. Accept the fact that he isn’t the man you’re supposed to be with, and move on.
There is a man out there who will love you, need you, and appreciate everything you have to offer without you having to constantly prove yourself to him.  He’ll be in the relationship willingly without you having to blackmail, manipulate, and remind him of everything you’ve done for him or how much you’re worth. Go find him and quit wasting your time on someone who isn’t right for you.

The Dating Field of Dreams

I’ve never seen “Field of Dreams,” but I live by that iconic quote everyone has heard…”If you build it, he will come.” I draw inspiration from the quote in my career and with my dating life.  If I want a job first thing I’m going to do is see what’s out there. I’m going to check the help wanted section in the newspaper, update my resume, and do what I have to do to let potential employers know I exist and would be good for their company. Once I land a job interview I’m going to prepare myself for the first meeting. See where I’m going here? I have a goal and I'm putting the necessary work into achieving my goal.
It’s the same principle with dating – you’re just getting your ducks in a row so when Mr. Right comes along everything is already in place.  This begins with building the foundation to have the type of relationship you want. Laying the foundation starts in your mind. Open yourself up to the idea that Mr. Right exists, you deserve him and will find him, and having a healthy relationship is an actual possibility within your reach.
That’s the theory, next is the execution. My last blog talked about putting yourself out there, and that’s our next step but you just can’t bust out onto the scene any ole way you want. First impressions are everything, especially where dating is concerned. In one glance you determine whether you’re attracted to a man or not. Men are no different from us in this regard. A sideways glance may be all that you get from a guy you’re attracted to. Do all you can to show him that you are worth a second look. I shudder to even type that sentence because everyone who knows me will tell you I’m the first to say “Screw you” to any guy who is only interested in what I look like on the outside. Who I am on the inside is far more beautiful than anything I can portray on the outside, but (even though I hate the idea) a man will never learn of all the good qualities I have to offer if I don’t make him interested in learning about them in the first place.
Not being completely shallow, physical beauty is only a small percentage of what goes into making a good first impression. First and foremost, present yourself in a way that reflects the type of woman you are. Portray yourself in a favorable light.  I’ve said this before, respect yourself and your body. If you dress slutty you’re sending the message that you’re slutty. Men will then in turn think that you’re a slut and treat you as such. You don’t have to have your goodies hanging out; guys can see what you’re working with even with everything covered up. Present yourself as the classy lady you are.
Next comes your attitude. I’m shy by nature, especially with men, and my shyness comes off as being standoffish. You’ll have to step out of your comfort zone and show a warmth and openness that will make you approachable. I’m terrified of rejection, so you know there are men who are just as terrified. It takes a lot of balls to put yourself out there with a girl you’re interested in, so if you reciprocate that interest, show him. Smile, make eye contact, have open body language, and work to make sure he knows you’re not rejecting him. Even if you just see a guy looking at you, make eye contact and hold it. Looking away in fear the second you see a cute guy looking at you only communicates to him that you’re not interested. Fight the fear and smile at him. That’s his cue to take the next step and approach you. If he doesn’t come over, don’t think there’s something wrong with you – he just might be scared.
We'd all love to think that all men are highly confident and forward when it comes to women, but let's get real. For every 1 guy that actually approaches you, I promise there are at least 5 others who are trying to talk themselves into doing the same thing. All the unhealthy self talk we experience is not exclusive to our gender. Men have fears, insecurities, and uncertainties, too. Remember what I’ve said in an earlier blog, dating is a game. Play it smartly and stack the deck to your advantage. If you’re with a group of girls, make a point to separate from them at some point in the night to make it easier for a guy to approach you. Go over to the jukebox, look at a painting, go up to the bar alone... If a guy has a hard enough time approaching you as it is he definitely does not want an audience of your girlfriends there when he's at his most vulnerable.
When you’re making plans to go out – I don’t recommend going out with wallflowers, especially if you’re a wallflower yourself. As I said earlier, I’m shy. I’ve found it very helpful to go out with friends who are more outgoing and daring than I am. Not only do they help to bring me out of my shell with their energy, but they create situations that would not have otherwise happened. They can act as the bridge between me and a guy I’m interested in. It’s also very beneficial to have that one girl in the group who is known at “the guy wrangler.” My sister-in-law began dating my brother after one of her guy wrangling friends walked up to my brother and suggested he ask my now sister-in-law out because she thought he was cute. If you can’t go after the guy yourself, bring along the girl who will hook him for you.
After your guy is wrangled keep it real. Keep your long-term dating goals in mind and don’t lower your standards just because the guy is cute and charming. He’s obviously interested and the beauty of it is you’re in control from here on out. The man is going to push the boundaries to see how far you’ll let him go, but the main three words in that phrase is “you’ll let him.” I reiterate, you’re in control.
You can have anything you want, just set the stage and go after it!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Be What You Want!

So, you’ve read the blogs and the do’s and don’ts of dating, outlined the guy you want and are ready to jump in the dating game. Ready, set, be what you want!!!  Wondering what I mean here, huh? Well, exactly what it says; “be what you want,” even if it is only for a little while.  
When you outline the kind of guy you want, you want to present yourself in a way that will attract this type of guy to you. I know they say opposites attract, but really now, who is attracted to someone so different from themselves they can’t even get to the first impression? Think about it; when you meet someone, the high point of the conversation comes when you get to that “Really?! ME TOO!” moment. It’s so exciting to find a total stranger actually likes that weird thing that you do because they do it too!
Now, you want a guy that’s confident, not overbearing, can start a conversation, and is presentable in familial situations. You are less likely to get this guy if you are arrogant, overbearing, and dress like a playboy bunny. Hence, if you want a {insert your description here} kind of guy, you will need to exhibit some of these same characteristics.  Mind you, opposites still do attract, but, unless you have a crazy physical chemistry with a magnetic animal attraction, you’re going to have to put in a little work in getting that desired guy.
If you’re looking for a specific guy, this is what you want to portray when you put yourself out there.  Don’t be a wallflower looking for the life of the party; more than likely, he’s going to be paying attention to the circle around him, not the person in the shadows hungrily watching him (can you say creepy?) When I say be what you want, I don’t mean for you to change the person you are, or pretend to be something you’re not, but step outside of your comfort zone; put in a little work to get what you want.  If you’re normally a shy person, take that chance to initiate a conversation, or step in the circle and smile along with the guy that’s the life of the party; it’s not changing who you are, it’s using social skills.
In the words of Lyfe Jennings, “don’t be a nickel out here looking for a dime!” I know opposites attracts, but remember similarities do too; if you look trashy, you might get some great attention from a great guy who might read “easy” written across your  forehead, but if you’re looking for something solid to build on, the trashy guy is going to be looking at you for that. And think about it, even a great guy is going to come across and present himself as “trashy” if he thinks that’s what you’re putting out.  Be confident, know your worth, and express this in the social skills you’re presenting so that you are approached by a confident guy who will respect you and what you stand for.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Location, Location, Location

Just like with real estate, location is everything in the man hunt. While the type of man you’re looking for may go to a club or bar from time to time, the chances of you finding Mr. Right on the dance floor is slim to none. Who’s to say exactly where you’ll bump into Mr. Right, and I’ll concede that it happens for some people, but let’s be realistic. That kind of thing doesn’t happen to the majority of us.
Men are everywhere we look. They’re at the grocery store, church, in class, at the bar, at the coffee shop… Despite popular belief, it’s quite easy to find a man. You can go to any bar right now, show a random man some attention, and he’ll end up buying you a drink, asking you for your phone number, or at least making an inappropriate proposition to you. But, is that the kind of man you want?
There’s a simple two-step process to help you begin your man hunt.
Step One:  Identify what kind of man you want and think about where you can find him.
Step Two: You have to put yourself out there and make yourself available to be found. Even in the smallest towns there are social organizations you can join and broaden your dating horizons. There might not be any available bachelors in that group, per se, but I guarantee that there’s someone in there that has a single nephew or their son’s best friend is looking for a great girl that they’re just dying to introduce to you. If nothing else, then there is always Internet dating sites. I, personally, am not a big fan of these, but they can at least keep your socialization and flirting skills sharp until you move out of virtual reality into reality.
Try something different. Don’t go to a bar and wait for a man to seek you out, or just sit at home waiting for Mr. Right to knock on the door. Join a group, volunteer, go to a community festival, go to church socials…just get out there and show all those great guys what a catch you are!

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Playing Your Cards Right

In my first posting I admitted to allowing myself to dream of marriage and unborn children with a man I first begin to date. I still freely admit this, but I just want to add that I never, ever act on these dreams and I certainly don’t tell the man about these visions and hopes. We can’t help what fantasies and thoughts we have, but we sure as heck have control over what comes out of our mouths and what behaviors we engage in.
Any man who is willing to move quickly in a relationship is bad news bears. We’ve all been on a date with a guy who moved way too quickly. It was a turn-off wasn’t it? They come across as desperate and you can bet your bottom dollar they’re going to be needy and controlling if you do actually get into a relationship with them. As women, how are we any different doing the same things to men?
There are major, obvious differences between the two sexes, but there are also universal red flags we all adhere to. No psychologically healthy person wants a partner who will be demanding, smothering, and controlling. While it’s normal for us to dream and hope for the future, it’s not something we should verbalize to a potential partner early in the dating game. And yes, dating is a game that has to be played. If I knew more about poker I’d make some cheesy reference about full houses, royal flushes, whatever…but I don’t, so I’ll just stick to “Play your cards right” when it comes to the beginning stages of the relationship (i.e. the first few dates).
First and foremost, play it cool and don’t be an oversharer. Keep in mind that after the date ends and you go your separate ways, he’s going to pull out his phone and call one of his buddies. He has no real loyalty to you yet, so that deep dark secret you revealed is fair game for future running jokes between him and his circle of friends. Not only that, but as I mentioned before, jumping off the deep end so early into a relationship is a turn off. Dating is just a test drive. He wants to see if investing time in you and a relationship with you is worth the trouble. If you’re trouble in the beginning don’t expect him to invest anything into you.
Pay attention to body language and nonverbal cues. I could do the therapist thing and tell you specific things to look for, but come on…if he looks bored or uninterested while you’re talking, he probably is. Change the subject.
Laugh at his jokes whether you think they’re funny or not. He might have asked you out, but it’s your job to be hospitable. Dates are just like relationships, you have to work at having a good one. Go into it with a positive, upbeat attitude, and work to make it a good experience. I’d advise you to throw some compliments his way. The way to a man’s heart isn’t through food; it’s by stroking the male ego.
Don’t talk about past relationships and for heaven’s sake don’t talk about your exes no matter how much you hate them or how wrong they treated you. I went on a date earlier this year with a man who was on his first date since his divorce from his ex-wife. He talked the entire time about her, angrily I might add, and let me reassure you, there was no second date. Leave your baggage at home. As the relationship progresses and he begins to prove his trustworthiness you can start unpacking your bags one item at a time.
Don’t talk about sex and don’t try to seduce him. It makes you look slutty. If that’s the look you’re going for then by all means go for it, but remember your long-term relationship goals. Men wanting to be in serious, long-term relationships don’t want sluts, they want respectable ladies they can trust and invite into their lives.
Don’t start the relationship on a rocky foundation. This means don’t lie to your date about the things that suck in your life. You have to let him know up front if you’re crashing on your best friend’s couch right now, looking for work, have children, or are really 40 instead of 30. He has the right to know, and you have the right to move on if these are deal breakers for him.
If you don’t like him and aren’t interested in a second date, then ignore everything I’ve just told you. It’ll work on a normal guy. If he calls you for a second date after you intentionally sabotage the first one, it’s a clear indicator that he has issues.
For any men who may be reading this…here’s a freebie for you. On the first date (and all future dates preferably), be a gentleman. Open the door for her, pay for the meal, be respectful. Work to put your date at ease, compliment her, and make her laugh. Don’t look at the hot girl who walks past the table, don’t flirt with the waitress, and don’t compare your date to all the other girls in the room. She should be your main focus, and it helps to actually listen to what she’s saying. Don’t drink too much, don’t make lewd comments, don’t have bad table manners, don’t brag about yourself, and for the love of all things cute and cuddly, don’t expect her to put out! The same rules apply to you…remember your long-term relationship goals.
Take things slowly and remember, this guy has to prove himself worthy of you. You are not on trial here, he is. If things don’t work out and he doesn’t call you again, don’t feel rejected or bad about yourself. Count your blessings that you don’t have to waste any more time with someone you don’t have chemistry or a future with.