Friday, February 22, 2013

The Mourning After


Heartbroken:  overcome by sorrow
Heartbreak: crushing grief, anguish, or distress

Every break-up is different, every reaction is different. Sometimes we feel free and relieved to be out of a relationship, sometimes we are devastated by the end of a relationship.

Think about all the steps that we go through when forming a new relationship. We meet someone, get to know them, develop feelings and an attachment to them, begin wondering and fantasizing about a possible future with them, becoming each other’s best friends, becoming intimate…  Then you break up. The moment the words are said all of what you had cultivated, loved, and nurtured ends. I’ve always equated a break-up with the death of a loved one. While your now ex didn’t die, your relationship did. Your hopes for the future with him (or her) died. Out goes your ex; in comes heartache, sadness, loneliness, anger, the whole nine yards.

Most people don’t realize this, but our mind and body are so connected that you can’t have an emotion without your body reacting to that emotion. Breaking up is a very stressful event in our lives. When we’re stressed a chain reaction is triggered in our bodies.  We face a stressor, feel the emotion, chemicals are released, muscles tighten, blood pressure increases, glucose levels increase, our digestion changes…there are real physical changes to our bodies. Your muscles hurt, you get tension headaches, your stomach is upset, then lets add on the effects of the sadness we are feeling. Fatigue, anxiety, crying, changes in appetite, etc. To add insult to injury, your self-esteem may have been damaged causing a decrease in self-worth, self-image…talk about kickin’ em when they’re down. It sucks, but these are all normal feelings and reactions.

When I go through a break-up I go through the grieving process. I can see the break-up coming and go into denial and/or bargaining. We break up and here comes the depression. I start thinking about all the crappy things he did or put me through and hello, anger. Then over time I accept that it’s over. Somewhere in the whole process there’s a point I reach where I want to fall back to a little thing called “the rebound.” You know exactly what I mean by that. Your old dog dies so you run out the next day and buy a new puppy. I want a distraction and want someone to boost my confidence. Don’t. Do. It. All you’re doing is delaying the grieving process. Give yourself time to heal before you jump into anything new.

How can I heal? You have to let the stages run their course. Feel the sadness; feel the anger. Write cheesy break-up poetry, put “You Outta Know” on repeat at full blast, talk to your girlfriends. Embrace the emotions you feel. Then, when you move into the acceptance stage, let it all go. The peace you’ll feel during this stage will make all the pain of the previous stages worth it.

If you’re hurting right now, you’re not alone. Even though it might feel like your world has ended, it’s really only the beginning. Every person is brought into your life for a reason. Once a person has fulfilled the purpose they were brought in your life to complete its only natural that they go on to fulfill their next purpose.  Allow yourself to move on as well and open yourself to the possibilities of life and the next person who has a purpose to fulfill in your life.