The Mourning After

Heartbroken:  overcome by sorrow

Heartbreak: crushing grief, anguish, or distress

Every break-up is different, every reaction is different. Sometimes we feel free and relieved to be out of a relationship, sometimes we are devastated by the end of a relationship.

Think about all the steps that we go through when forming a new relationship. We meet someone, get to know them, develop feelings and an attachment to them, begin wondering and fantasizing about a possible future with them, becoming each other’s best friends, becoming intimate…  Then you break up. The moment the words are said all of what you had cultivated, loved, and nurtured ends. I’ve always equated a break-up with the death of a loved one. While your now ex didn’t die, your relationship did. Your hopes for the future with him (or her) died. Out goes your ex; in comes heartache, sadness, loneliness, anger, the whole nine yards.

Most people don’t realize this, but our mind and body are so connected that you can’t have an emotion without your body reacting to that emotion. Breaking up is a very stressful event in our lives. When we’re stressed a chain reaction is triggered in our bodies.  We face a stressor, feel the emotion, chemicals are released, muscles tighten, blood pressure increases, glucose levels increase, our digestion changes…there are real physical changes to our bodies. Your muscles hurt, you get tension headaches, your stomach is upset, then lets add on the effects of the sadness we are feeling. Fatigue, anxiety, crying, changes in appetite, etc. To add insult to injury, your self-esteem may have been damaged causing a decrease in self-worth, self-image…talk about kickin’ em when they’re down. It sucks, but these are all normal feelings and reactions.

When I go through a break-up I go through the grieving process. I can see the break-up coming and go into denial and/or bargaining. We break up and here comes the depression. I start thinking about all the crappy things he did or put me through and hello, anger. Then over time I accept that it’s over. Somewhere in the whole process there’s a point I reach where I want to fall back to a little thing called “the rebound.” You know exactly what I mean by that. Your old dog dies so you run out the next day and buy a new puppy. I want a distraction and want someone to boost my confidence. Don’t. Do. It. All you’re doing is delaying the grieving process. Give yourself time to heal before you jump into anything new.

How can I heal? You have to let the stages run their course. Feel the sadness; feel the anger. Write cheesy break-up poetry, put “You Outta Know” on repeat at full blast, talk to your girlfriends. Embrace the emotions you feel. Then, when you move into the acceptance stage, let it all go. The peace you’ll feel during this stage will make all the pain of the previous stages worth it.

If you’re hurting right now, you’re not alone. Even though it might feel like your world has ended, it’s really only the beginning. Every person is brought into your life for a reason. Once a person has fulfilled the purpose they were brought in your life to complete its only natural that they go on to fulfill their next purpose.  Allow yourself to move on as well and open yourself to the possibilities of life and the next person who has a purpose to fulfill in your life.

Standards: Friend or Foe?

Nikita and I were at a book store last night checking out the Psychology and Self-Help books (we know we’re nerds), and came across a book on dating. Its title included some words about how to get any guy you wanted, so of course we opened it up and started reading. I don’t believe you can get any man you want, just ask any girl whose guy broke up with them, but the book did make some valid points. One such point was about how your standards can be your main crippler in your dating life.

Your dating standards are those make it or break it features when it comes to potential suitors. It’s a checklist of what you’re looking for that makes men easily categorical. My list looks a little something like this:

Age range: 27-35

Must be single and unattached, never married preferred

College educated preferred

Must have nice teeth

Does not have children

Must be Christian

Does not abuse drugs or alcohol

Does not have a history of physically, psychologically, or sexually abusing his girlfriends

Must have a job and be financially secure

I could, and do, go on and on, but the purpose of this blog isn’t to tell you what I’m looking for. The purpose of this blog is to challenge you to be honest with yourself. Are you being realistic with your standards? The book Nikita and I read said to make your list then throw it away. I disagree with that, but I’ll amend what they said to: Make your list and prioritize it.

What are you willing to compromise on and what are your absolute must haves on your list? I’m not going to get involved with a 70 year old Buddhist because it goes against my beliefs, and just…eww. But, how crazy would it be of me to finally meet a nice guy who I have great chemistry with and reject him just for the simple fact that he’s 40? Or has 1 rogue tooth?

If a shallow, superficial quality makes you not want to be with a guy, then by all means, don’t do anything you don’t want to do, but don’t use it as an excuse. If you’re rigid with your list you run the risk the danger of letting Mr. Right slip right through your fingers. Most of the items on my list are things I’m not willing to compromise on, but if a great guy I meet is divorced, then oh well, who cares. We all make mistakes.

Be open to the potential all men have to offer - it doesn’t matter what package the potential comes in. As we've preached from day one: judge a man on his actions. If a guy makes you laugh, feel good about yourself, and is fun to be around, don't discard him just because he doesn't meet your idea of what you think a man worthy of dating you should be.

Beware of the Disappearing Man

There is a rare trait amongst the race of men that has been passed down throughout the centuries. Sometimes it’s inherited, sometimes it’s slowly developed, and sometimes the man is just suddenly afflicted with it. Before you get too worried and make your man go to the doctor, let me reiterate that it’s a rare trait. Not every man comes down with this, but I will caution you that there are varying degrees to which they can suffer from this trait and it can come and go quickly.

The milder form, of course, is when you become the Game Day Widow. This could be just during football season, or he could suffer from this year round depending on his level of enthusiasm for sports (you can also substitute hunting here). This is common amongst men and shouldn’t be of major concern to you. He has testosterone, he loves sports, he yells at the ref on TV, he is a man. While he’s glued to the tube and expressing his man crush for Tom Brady, go hang out with your girlfriends or soak in a hot bath. He’ll remember you exist during the commercial breaks and will be yelling for a sandwich or beer in about an hour or so.

Then there’s the Weekend Romancer, A.K.A. Midnight Romeo, A.K.A. This-Relationship-Is-Based-Around-My-Schedule…er. This is the guy who you never hear from during the week/day until every other distraction is out of sight, out of mind. His life comes first and you’re not a major factor in his life even though he swears up and down that you are. As I eluded earlier, he wants to see you on his time regardless of what you’ve got going on. He’ll text you at 1 a.m., he’ll just show up at your house unannounced, and then you never hear from him again until he wants something from you. This, ladies, is a red flag rising on the mast. You’re either OK with this or you’re not. You better decide early on in the relationship because once that pattern is set it’s hard to break.

Next comes Mr. Emotionally Unattached. It means just that. He’s in the relationship physically but now you and your relationship is just a habit to him and he’s just going through the motions. He’s not in love with you anymore, he doesn’t express happiness, sadness, longing, or passion…the most emotion you’re likely to get from him is anger and frustration after you’ve nagged him to the point of an argument. This is also a red flag, and the prognosis is bleak.

Then comes the worst diagnosis of all. With this type of man there is no denying the message he is trying to send you. There is no denying what his feelings towards you are. There is no denying that you will not have a future with this man. This is the infamous Vanishing Man. One day he’s in your life and the next he’s gone. He stops calling you, stops emailing you, stops texting to you, and literally falls off the face of the Earth. I’m not talking about a day or two…I’m talking about a week or two. If you want to be optimistic I’ll even give you a month or two. There’s no point trying to track him down, just accept that he’s too cowardly to tell you how he feels and he’s hiding from you. Prognosis: It’s over. He’s not coming back.

Now, every man has the potential to be stricken with any form of disappearing. It may come and go within a couple of hours. It might be a phase he goes through for a couple of months while he’s having a mid-life crisis. Or, it could be something that he’s afflicted with permanently. You owe to yourself to figure out if he suffers from these symptoms, and if he does, if you’re OK with how things are going in your relationship.

The big question I ask my clients who come in unhappy with their partner is whether they can see themselves spending another 5 years with them. So ask yourself…can I do this for another 5 years? Another year? 6 months? A month? If you’ve answered ‘no’ to all these questions you obviously know what you have to do. Get to doing it.

Guys Do It, Too!

So, I was washing the dishes after dinner and was using that time to ponder over my current situation. I was doing the usual self-deprecating thing we women do when the sizzle starts to fizzle in our relationships. That would be wondering why all the men I get involved with are so excited about me when we first get together but over time they lose steam and interest. If I'm so great and wonderful in the beginning and I've been consistent (if not worked harder) with treating you well, why is my awesomeness not enough almost a year into the relationship? It then dawned on me mid-scrub that guys are no different than we are when it comes to dreams and expectations in a new relationship.

I don't know why that surprised me - I guess I just always thought of guys as being completely black and white creatures. I still have the whole Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus mentality going on I guess. While I concede the simple fact that we have different body parts and are socialized differently, why would a man not want to meet the girl of his dreams and have the love of his life?

Take one of my exes as an example. He and I began dating a couple of months after his first tour in Iraq. He had just gotten out of a long-term relationship with a girl he didn't feel loved him anymore and was just using him for his money. I enter stage right with all my wonderful qualities and give him all the attention, affection, and warm fuzzies he had missed with her for years... Voila, the makings of a potential fairytale romance. Is this not what I had described in "Death of the Dream?" Things obviously changed between us after the first six months or so. We stayed together for a few more months, but after a year and a half he just couldn't get that same happiness and warm fuzzies as he did in the beginning.

I used to beat myself up over the idea that I wasn't making him happy anymore. I shed many a tear over the thought that I just wasn't good enough...nothing I did was good enough and he would never love me the way he used to. Now, years later, I understand that he wasn't happy with his life in general, not me specifically. It wouldn't have mattered if I had all the qualities of a Stepford Wife and did everything right. I had no power to change what was happening in his life and I certainly didn't have the power to alter his mood.

In every relationship I get into I want my man to put me on a pedestal, but I want to be up there unconditionally. I want him to treat me the way I want to be treated, but I don't want every minor mistake or bad day he has to cause me to slip from up there. Six months into the relationship I usually find myself hanging on the ledge for dear life and then my hands start slipping finger by finger as the months go by. By the time I'm hanging on by one finger I'm usually beating myself up over why I didn't do more, what I could have done differently, why I'm not good enough...

What a relief to finally realize that I am good enough. I'm still the great girl that I was in the beginning, but his fantasy of what I was didn't pan out over time. He made me Super Girlfriend. He made me something I wasn't, I never pretended to be more than I was. You can't live up to impossible standards forever.

Don't call your man up and beg him to tell you what you did wrong and why he doesn't love you anymore. You're not the woman of his dreams. That might hurt to hear now, but remember, if you're not the woman of his dreams he's not going to treat you like you are. You deserve better than that. Take a deep breath and let this sink in. Hopefully the relief will wash over you as it did me. You are good enough, he just failed to realize you're not a Disney princess that goes around singing to animals, baking from scratch in sexy lingerie, who stays young and firm forever, that's always perky and will rush to his beckon call... You are wonderful, beautiful, fabulous you. Your worth does not diminish because one guy can't love you unconditionally.

It’s Not Just Their Fault

So obviously the whole point of this blog is to remind you ladies to be realistic about men and relationships, and to further remind you that you do have a say in what happens to you. It’s very freeing to come to the realization that you can make your life anything you want it to be. It’s even more freeing to realize that you don’t have to be in a sucky relationship.

For any men reading this, just let me say what I need to say, but don’t stop here…I’m going to keep it real for y’all too.

First and foremost ladies, no man has the ability to control you unless you let him control you. We’ve already talked about how you can’t control your man, but the same is true for him. Controlling behaviors come in all different shapes and sizes – jealousy, physical abuse, emotional abuse, possessiveness, belittling, guilt trips…you’ve seen it. If your man (or woman) is more intent on making you feel bad about yourself than making you happy – leave. You deserve better than that. It’s scary to leave a relationship, especially when you’ve been in one for a long time, I’ve been there, but trust me when I say that you’ll make it through.

Here comes some tough love, ladies. I said we have to be realistic, and making the guys out to be in the wrong all the time is not realistic. There are some guys out there who are true jerks, but ladies we can do some pretty messed up things too. Look back on your last failed relationship. What did you do to contribute to the problems?

Sometimes we get too focused on what our man isn’t doing for us that we over look what he is doing. We expect a lot from them, but give nothing back in return. If you’re only in a relationship for what a man can give you, you’re in it for the wrong reason. Be more concerned about the acts of love and kindness he gives to you rather than the material objects he buys for you. Don’t get hung up on him not sending you flowers just because it’s Monday and miss out on the fact that he went to see that sappy romantic comedy with you he wouldn’t otherwise be caught dead in. Look at all the small things he does to prove himself than the things you think he should be doing but isn’t.

Most of us, male and female, thrive on drama of some sorts. Are you creating unnecessary drama in your relationship? Comedian Dane Cook joked about the “nothing fights” couples have after they’ve been together for a while. In his bit on these fights, he talked about a couple arguing over jelly in the grocery store. Come on now…get real. Life and relationships are hard enough as it is without having to bring in insignificant things to argue about. Couples I’ve counseled before have come to me with these exact problems, and I’ve found that these fights represent the symptoms of the syndrome. In other words, they’re fighting over small things because there are bigger issues that need addressing. Quit wasting your time on avoiding the main problem.

Take some time to honestly assess what you’re doing wrong in your relationship. It could be as simple as not communicating your needs to being possessive to just taking out your frustrations out on your man. Once you figure it out, keep yourself in check and choose your battles. Think of it this way, pretend you have a cap on how many fights you can have before your relationship falls apart. It doesn’t matter what you’re fighting about, it’s just the simple fact that you’re fighting. Is an argument over jelly worth creeping towards that ceiling?

Remember, he can’t control you, you can’t control him, but you can control what you say and do. Don’t nitpick and overanalyze every little thing your man does. Just because you got him and are in a relationship doesn’t mean that the work is over. Even if you’ve been married for 30 years, the work isn’t over. Work diligently to have the type of relationship you want and stop contributing to your part of the problems in your relationship.

Control Freaks, Read This

Alright all you control freaks out there…this one is for you. I just have two words for you. Shut. Up. Yup, you read that correctly. Just shut up. Being an overbearing shrew is only going to make your man 1.) Give up; 2.) Get mad; 3.) Do the complete opposite of what you want out of spite; 4.) Think you’re an overbearing shrew who will never think he does anything right.

Maybe he doesn’t do anything exactly the way you want it, but guess what…at least he’s putting forth the effort! That’s more than what most other men do! Nagging and belittling him only accomplishes one thing: it creates an emotional gap between the two of you.

Remember, there are more important things to fight about. What does it matter if he folds the towels differently than you do or puts the dishes in the dishwasher a different way? Do the towels get folded? Yes. Do the dishes get washed? Yes. Are you the one having to do it all? No!

How many men do you know want to help around the house? If you’ve ever been to a bachelor pad you know the answer to that question. The man willing to contribute and put forth an effort is a diamond in the rough. What are you thinking trying to kill that in him??? You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Remember what I said earlier…a man who belittles you does not deserve you. Here’s a reality check for you…do you deserve your man? If you feel you do, then please act like it. Show him you appreciate the effort he puts forth in the household and in your relationship. Trust me, there’s a long line of women (myself included) who would gladly take him off your hands.

There’s nothing sexier than a man who is willing to do whatever it takes to take care of his woman/family. It might irk you that he’s not doing it your way, but for heaven’s sake, build a bridge and get over it.

Why Doesn’t He Love Me?

Right now I’m listening to “Why Don’t You Love Me?” by Beyonce. Here’s a little taste of the lyrics:

http://blip.fm/listen/Beyonce::Why+Don't+You+Love+Me+(Official+Album+Version)

Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
Why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?

There's nothing not to love about me
No, no, there's nothing not to love about me
I'm lovely
There's nothing not to need about me
No, no, there's nothing not to need about me

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard a woman say that, or thought or said those words myself. Just like you, I’m a great catch. I’m educated, have a great career, have an awesome personality, and have many wonderful qualities to offer a man. So why can’t I get a man to see how awesome I am? Why won’t a man just fall madly in love with me and not be able to live without me and marry me and work every day to make me happy?

Dear Lord in Heaven please help me to get over myself.

Yes, you are wonderful. You’re an amazing woman that a guy would be crazy to give up, but guess what… a guy may be madly in love with you, but he’ll still give you up if he doesn’t think you’re the right woman for him. That’s just how life is. Sometimes you get the guy you want, but he’s not the guy you need. Sometimes you get the guy you need, but it’s not the right time, or he’s not the right one a year down the road. We all grow and change over time. Sometimes in a relationship we grow and change together, but sometimes we grow apart and realize that we don’t have anything in common any more.

From now on, be your own best friend. If you would give words of comfort and encouragement to your best friends during a breakup or rocky patch, why wouldn’t you give it to yourself? We all have the same script we follow when it comes to consoling our girlfriends; use it on yourself after a breakup. I don’t encourage the man hating though – it doesn’t accomplish anything. He isn’t a jerk for not wanting to be with you anymore. He’s just being honest. Would you rather he lead you on for another year?

Let me rant a minute about the whole "leading you on" concept...unless he is an accomplished con artist after you for a large inheritance, there's no such thing. Come on, think about how many times he's tried to tell you or show you he wants out but you wouldn't give him an easy out. You knew what he was doing, but you started with the excuses, begging, denying it, trying to make changes, etc. Your man doesn't want to hurt your feelings by coming right out and telling you he doesn't want to be with you, but his actions will speak loud and clear about what his intentions are. You've been engaged for a year but he won't discuss setting a date? He doesn't want to kiss you anymore? "Yes, baby, I still want to be with you" but he won't spend time with you anymore? He doesn't tell you he loves you anymore? In the words of Bill Engvall...here's your sign.

If your relationship isn’t meant to be...it doesn’t matter how educated you are, how well you cook, how fit and trimmed your body is, etc…he isn’t going to stay with you. Stop wasting your time thinking about how great you’ve been to him and how he just doesn’t see how wonderful you are. A square peg won’t fit into a round hole no matter how hard you try to make it fit. Accept the fact that he isn’t the man you’re supposed to be with, and move on.

There is a man out there who will love you, need you, and appreciate everything you have to offer without you having to constantly prove yourself to him.  He’ll be in the relationship willingly without you having to blackmail, manipulate, and remind him of everything you’ve done for him or how much you’re worth. Go find him and quit wasting your time on someone who isn’t right for you.