Playing Your Cards Right

In my first posting I admitted to allowing myself to dream of marriage and unborn children with a man I first begin to date. I still freely admit this, but I just want to add that I never, ever act on these dreams and I certainly don’t tell the man about these visions and hopes. We can’t help what fantasies and thoughts we have, but we sure as heck have control over what comes out of our mouths and what behaviors we engage in.

Any man who is willing to move quickly in a relationship is bad news bears. We’ve all been on a date with a guy who moved way too quickly. It was a turn-off wasn’t it? They come across as desperate and you can bet your bottom dollar they’re going to be needy and controlling if you do actually get into a relationship with them. As women, how are we any different doing the same things to men?

There are major, obvious differences between the two sexes, but there are also universal red flags we all adhere to. No psychologically healthy person wants a partner who will be demanding, smothering, and controlling. While it’s normal for us to dream and hope for the future, it’s not something we should verbalize to a potential partner early in the dating game. And yes, dating is a game that has to be played. If I knew more about poker I’d make some cheesy reference about full houses, royal flushes, whatever…but I don’t, so I’ll just stick to “Play your cards right” when it comes to the beginning stages of the relationship (i.e. the first few dates).

First and foremost, play it cool and don’t be an oversharer. Keep in mind that after the date ends and you go your separate ways, he’s going to pull out his phone and call one of his buddies. He has no real loyalty to you yet, so that deep dark secret you revealed is fair game for future running jokes between him and his circle of friends. Not only that, but as I mentioned before, jumping off the deep end so early into a relationship is a turn off. Dating is just a test drive. He wants to see if investing time in you and a relationship with you is worth the trouble. If you’re trouble in the beginning don’t expect him to invest anything into you.

Pay attention to body language and nonverbal cues. I could do the therapist thing and tell you specific things to look for, but come on…if he looks bored or uninterested while you’re talking, he probably is. Change the subject.

Laugh at his jokes whether you think they’re funny or not. He might have asked you out, but it’s your job to be hospitable. Dates are just like relationships, you have to work at having a good one. Go into it with a positive, upbeat attitude, and work to make it a good experience. I’d advise you to throw some compliments his way. The way to a man’s heart isn’t through food; it’s by stroking the male ego.

Don’t talk about past relationships and for heaven’s sake don’t talk about your exes no matter how much you hate them or how wrong they treated you. I went on a date earlier this year with a man who was on his first date since his divorce from his ex-wife. He talked the entire time about her, angrily I might add, and let me reassure you, there was no second date. Leave your baggage at home. As the relationship progresses and he begins to prove his trustworthiness you can start unpacking your bags one item at a time.

Don’t talk about sex and don’t try to seduce him. It makes you look slutty. If that’s the look you’re going for then by all means go for it, but remember your long-term relationship goals. Men wanting to be in serious, long-term relationships don’t want sluts, they want respectable ladies they can trust and invite into their lives.

Don’t start the relationship on a rocky foundation. This means don’t lie to your date about the things that suck in your life. You have to let him know up front if you’re crashing on your best friend’s couch right now, looking for work, have children, or are really 40 instead of 30. He has the right to know, and you have the right to move on if these are deal breakers for him.

If you don’t like him and aren’t interested in a second date, then ignore everything I’ve just told you. It’ll work on a normal guy. If he calls you for a second date after you intentionally sabotage the first one, it’s a clear indicator that he has issues.

For any men who may be reading this…here’s a freebie for you. On the first date (and all future dates preferably), be a gentleman. Open the door for her, pay for the meal, be respectful. Work to put your date at ease, compliment her, and make her laugh. Don’t look at the hot girl who walks past the table, don’t flirt with the waitress, and don’t compare your date to all the other girls in the room. She should be your main focus, and it helps to actually listen to what she’s saying. Don’t drink too much, don’t make lewd comments, don’t have bad table manners, don’t brag about yourself, and for the love of all things cute and cuddly, don’t expect her to put out! The same rules apply to you…remember your long-term relationship goals.

Take things slowly and remember, this guy has to prove himself worthy of you. You are not on trial here, he is. If things don’t work out and he doesn’t call you again, don’t feel rejected or bad about yourself. Count your blessings that you don’t have to waste any more time with someone you don’t have chemistry or a future with.