NEEDINESS, CLINGINESS, OVER-SENSITIVITY….OH MY!

I am one of “those girls.” You know…one of ”those girls” that does all the stereotypical things that pushes men away from them. I like to think I’m one of those cool girlfriends who aren’t needy, clingy, or overly sensitive, but upon self-reflection, there has been a point in each of my relationships where I have erred on the side of neediness, clinginess, and being overly sensitive. For me, allowing a man to breach the boundaries I have in place with men and allowing him the honor of being in my life is a big deal. It’s difficult to allow yourself to be that vulnerable with anyone, especially with a man who has such power over the ebb and flow of your emotions.

Go ahead and admit it, ladies. Men have a certain way about them that make our feminist mindsets disappear. We cook their favorite foods, we wear our hair the way they like it, we neglect friends, we do things we swore we would never do… How many of you, when you get out of a relationship, say never again will a man have that much power over you? How many of you have forgotten that very oath the second another man comes into the picture?

For me, nothing can make my day better than getting attention from the guy I like. In the same regards, nothing can ruin my day quicker than the guy I like becoming upset with me, or saying something stupid to hurt my feelings, or just not responding to my texts in a quick enough amount of time. Even just recently a trip of a lifetime was almost ruined because the guy I was dating at the time decided a few hours before I boarded the plane to be a jerk-off…and (to my horror) I had only been on three dates with him but I was allowing him to do this to me!!

So why can’t I practice what I preach? It’s those darn emotions. As a counselor, it’s easy for me to give others advice because I’m not emotionally involved in the situation and can therefore be objective. When it comes to my own relationships, my brain can tell me the logical thing to do, but my heart tugs my decisions in the opposite direction. Nothing makes me more emotionally vulnerable and illogical than relationships. When it comes to romance, men cease to be men. The man is a representation of so much more than just another human being you have a relationship with. The “boyfriend” is the culmination of hopes, dreams, insecurities, fears, warmth, happiness, completion, companionship, unconditional love…need I go on? The longer we’re with them, the more invested we become. The more invested we are, the less control we have over our own emotions.

There is nothing scarier than the feeling of not being in control of yourself. Well, I take that back. There’s nothing scarier than realizing that another human being has control over you. That’s when we become clingy and needy. We begin to try to start controlling our men to regain that feeling of control of ourselves. I’m not going to let you make me feel this way, so I’m going to nag you and make you feel guilty enough until you do what I want so I can feel the way I want. Yeah, it’s just as complicated and stupid as those two sentences sound.  What we fail to realize, until it’s far too late I might add, is those behaviors we’re using in an attempt to regain control, is doing nothing but causing us to lose control in our relationships. We end up pushing our men away by our clingy, needy, overly sensitive behaviors and create more problems that cause us to be even more needy and clingy. It’s a vicious cycle that can be prevented.

Drop the needy crap and be the cool girlfriend. Here’s some tips:

1.       Know your insecurities – knowledge is power. The more you know about your own issues, the more you can do to not put them on your man.

2.       Review past blogs. YOU DO NOT NEED A MAN TO FULFILL YOU. You are a bright, beautiful, capable woman who is in control of your own life, thoughts, and emotions.

3.       You can love your man and be emotionally attached to him without having to control him. Do not go against the current, just go with the flow. If you’re in a mutually loving and respectful relationship your man isn’t going to intentionally do anything to shatter your vulnerable heart. Just chill out and trust him.

4.       If you’re a recovering needy girlfriend you will relapse. The insecurity monster will rear its ugly head, but’s it’s OK. Acknowledge the neediness, apologize to your man, talk it out, and fight through the next episode of neediness you’ll have.

5.       If he’s truly in love with you, he’s just as scared of being vulnerable and hurt as you are. Remember that and don’t take advantage of it.

6.       It’s OK for him to have friends and a life outside of your relationship. If he loves you and is deserving of you, he won’t abuse/betray your trust. P.S. It’s OK for you to have friends and a life outside of your relationship, too.

7.       If he does happen to mess up a little and hurt your feelings, take responsibility for your feelings, communicate them to your man, forgive him, and drop it. Simply say something along the lines of “I feel ____________ when you _______________.” Define the problem, come up with a solution, and DROP IT. If it continues to happen…maybe he doesn’t deserve you….

a.       Side note: He didn’t make you feel anything, you allowed yourself to feel a certain way about a situation. No one has the power to make you feel anything, that’s all on you.

8.       Even though you may have been together for 20 years and he’s your soul mate, he can’t read your mind. Let’s just be honest, he probably can’t even get the not-so-subtle hint you’ve been dropping all week. Short, uncomplicated sentences work wonders. “I need a hug.” “Please take out the trash after dinner.” “My birthday is next week and I want to go to the Olive Garden for dinner where I want you to give me perfume for my present.” Just say what you want.

9.       No more of this passive-aggressive business. It’s very unattractive and unproductive. Review #8. It isn’t going to magically dawn on him that he didn’t take out the trash because you’re in the kitchen banging pots and pans, and he can’t see inside your head to know you’re mad he didn’t remember the anniversary of the first time you made snowmen together. Tell him the deal, let him apologize, and get over it. It goes so much more quickly this way.

10.   Remember, he’s a guy. Most men aren’t socialized to be emotional or empathetic to the fact we’re on our period and bloated. He just wants a beer and to see something naked. Accept him for who and what he is and not what you think he should be.

a.       Side note: Men are fixers. Fixing things are hard-wired into their brains. If you bring a problem to him, he’s going to try to fix it. Unless you tell him, he isn’t going to know that a simple hug or caress will be all that you need. Give him a disclaimer up front…”Baby, I want to tell you about my problem, but I just want you to listen, not try to fix it…”

11.   Love is never easy. It isn’t meant to be easy. You have to open your heart even though you’re scared and take a chance. Make sure he’s worth the trouble before you jump in the deep end, but if you can’t trust him with the deepest, most vulnerable part of you then what are you doing with him?

Take this advice. Add to it. Modify it. But get real ladies. Being needy and clingy may be cute in the beginning of a relationship, but is a major turn-off once the cuteness fades. Keep yourself in check and remember, if you give a man your heart you have to give him your whole heart. Being clingy and needy only shows that maybe you’re not quite as ready to be in love as you thought you were.