NEEDINESS, CLINGINESS, OVER-SENSITIVITY….OH MY!

I am one of “those girls.” You know…one of ”those girls” that does all the stereotypical things that pushes men away from them. I like to think I’m one of those cool girlfriends who aren’t needy, clingy, or overly sensitive, but upon self-reflection, there has been a point in each of my relationships where I have erred on the side of neediness, clinginess, and being overly sensitive. For me, allowing a man to breach the boundaries I have in place with men and allowing him the honor of being in my life is a big deal. It’s difficult to allow yourself to be that vulnerable with anyone, especially with a man who has such power over the ebb and flow of your emotions.

Go ahead and admit it, ladies. Men have a certain way about them that make our feminist mindsets disappear. We cook their favorite foods, we wear our hair the way they like it, we neglect friends, we do things we swore we would never do… How many of you, when you get out of a relationship, say never again will a man have that much power over you? How many of you have forgotten that very oath the second another man comes into the picture?

For me, nothing can make my day better than getting attention from the guy I like. In the same regards, nothing can ruin my day quicker than the guy I like becoming upset with me, or saying something stupid to hurt my feelings, or just not responding to my texts in a quick enough amount of time. Even just recently a trip of a lifetime was almost ruined because the guy I was dating at the time decided a few hours before I boarded the plane to be a jerk-off…and (to my horror) I had only been on three dates with him but I was allowing him to do this to me!!

So why can’t I practice what I preach? It’s those darn emotions. As a counselor, it’s easy for me to give others advice because I’m not emotionally involved in the situation and can therefore be objective. When it comes to my own relationships, my brain can tell me the logical thing to do, but my heart tugs my decisions in the opposite direction. Nothing makes me more emotionally vulnerable and illogical than relationships. When it comes to romance, men cease to be men. The man is a representation of so much more than just another human being you have a relationship with. The “boyfriend” is the culmination of hopes, dreams, insecurities, fears, warmth, happiness, completion, companionship, unconditional love…need I go on? The longer we’re with them, the more invested we become. The more invested we are, the less control we have over our own emotions.

There is nothing scarier than the feeling of not being in control of yourself. Well, I take that back. There’s nothing scarier than realizing that another human being has control over you. That’s when we become clingy and needy. We begin to try to start controlling our men to regain that feeling of control of ourselves. I’m not going to let you make me feel this way, so I’m going to nag you and make you feel guilty enough until you do what I want so I can feel the way I want. Yeah, it’s just as complicated and stupid as those two sentences sound.  What we fail to realize, until it’s far too late I might add, is those behaviors we’re using in an attempt to regain control, is doing nothing but causing us to lose control in our relationships. We end up pushing our men away by our clingy, needy, overly sensitive behaviors and create more problems that cause us to be even more needy and clingy. It’s a vicious cycle that can be prevented.

Drop the needy crap and be the cool girlfriend. Here’s some tips:

1.       Know your insecurities – knowledge is power. The more you know about your own issues, the more you can do to not put them on your man.

2.       Review past blogs. YOU DO NOT NEED A MAN TO FULFILL YOU. You are a bright, beautiful, capable woman who is in control of your own life, thoughts, and emotions.

3.       You can love your man and be emotionally attached to him without having to control him. Do not go against the current, just go with the flow. If you’re in a mutually loving and respectful relationship your man isn’t going to intentionally do anything to shatter your vulnerable heart. Just chill out and trust him.

4.       If you’re a recovering needy girlfriend you will relapse. The insecurity monster will rear its ugly head, but’s it’s OK. Acknowledge the neediness, apologize to your man, talk it out, and fight through the next episode of neediness you’ll have.

5.       If he’s truly in love with you, he’s just as scared of being vulnerable and hurt as you are. Remember that and don’t take advantage of it.

6.       It’s OK for him to have friends and a life outside of your relationship. If he loves you and is deserving of you, he won’t abuse/betray your trust. P.S. It’s OK for you to have friends and a life outside of your relationship, too.

7.       If he does happen to mess up a little and hurt your feelings, take responsibility for your feelings, communicate them to your man, forgive him, and drop it. Simply say something along the lines of “I feel ____________ when you _______________.” Define the problem, come up with a solution, and DROP IT. If it continues to happen…maybe he doesn’t deserve you….

a.       Side note: He didn’t make you feel anything, you allowed yourself to feel a certain way about a situation. No one has the power to make you feel anything, that’s all on you.

8.       Even though you may have been together for 20 years and he’s your soul mate, he can’t read your mind. Let’s just be honest, he probably can’t even get the not-so-subtle hint you’ve been dropping all week. Short, uncomplicated sentences work wonders. “I need a hug.” “Please take out the trash after dinner.” “My birthday is next week and I want to go to the Olive Garden for dinner where I want you to give me perfume for my present.” Just say what you want.

9.       No more of this passive-aggressive business. It’s very unattractive and unproductive. Review #8. It isn’t going to magically dawn on him that he didn’t take out the trash because you’re in the kitchen banging pots and pans, and he can’t see inside your head to know you’re mad he didn’t remember the anniversary of the first time you made snowmen together. Tell him the deal, let him apologize, and get over it. It goes so much more quickly this way.

10.   Remember, he’s a guy. Most men aren’t socialized to be emotional or empathetic to the fact we’re on our period and bloated. He just wants a beer and to see something naked. Accept him for who and what he is and not what you think he should be.

a.       Side note: Men are fixers. Fixing things are hard-wired into their brains. If you bring a problem to him, he’s going to try to fix it. Unless you tell him, he isn’t going to know that a simple hug or caress will be all that you need. Give him a disclaimer up front…”Baby, I want to tell you about my problem, but I just want you to listen, not try to fix it…”

11.   Love is never easy. It isn’t meant to be easy. You have to open your heart even though you’re scared and take a chance. Make sure he’s worth the trouble before you jump in the deep end, but if you can’t trust him with the deepest, most vulnerable part of you then what are you doing with him?

Take this advice. Add to it. Modify it. But get real ladies. Being needy and clingy may be cute in the beginning of a relationship, but is a major turn-off once the cuteness fades. Keep yourself in check and remember, if you give a man your heart you have to give him your whole heart. Being clingy and needy only shows that maybe you’re not quite as ready to be in love as you thought you were.

Beware of "The Thrill of the Chase!"

"Hey honey, sweetheart, beautiful, sexy, pumpkin, cuty, my special girl..." Ever meet a guy with sugar dripping from his honeycomb lips? Whispers the sweetest nothings in your ear and it's only the first conversation text message/phone call before you even get to the actual date? Begin "The Chase." Yes, the thrill of going after something you want. Like how you REALLY want that pair of shoes and you go to a thousand different stores "chasing" 'em then you get it, wear 'em once and now they're hanging out in the back of your closet? Get my drift ladies? Men love the "thrill" of the chase. Now don't get me wrong, of course there are some legitimate sugar canes out there that are in it to win, or will stick around past the sappy "come hither" talk. Make sure you are aware of what type you're hanging out with.
A man will tell you little, tiny, subtle things about himself that he will not tell you verbally while he is actually speaking to you...Lose anybody? Okay, let me find you and pull you back in. ; ) Men don't always say exactly what they mean (WHAT?!). It's true friends; no matter how they pull the "man" card of ALWAYS saying what they mean and meaning what they say, it's not true. I know. I know. More work for us ladies. But being aware of this and using the information will be well worth the pay out in the end.
So, how do you know? Well, in a conversation, a man will tell you what he feels you need to hear so that he can do one of a couple of things: 1) Get to know you better, 2) Get to know you better so he can sleep with you 3) Get to know you better so that he can figure out if you are worth his hanging around until he can sleep with you. We want to shoot for number one. To do this, all you need to do is.... LISTEN to what he tells you and LOOK at his behavior. A man who steps to you and says "hey sugar honey iced-tea you got the best legs this side of creation!" is telling you, I noticed your legs and i'm attracted to you physically. Keep him talking for a little while, and he tells you, "you're the most beautiful woman I have seen in my life, including my mama!" Laying it on extra thick isn't he? The more you keep him talking, the more you see, this guy is really hung up on looks...didn't he hear me say thank you the first thousand times he complimented my D-Cup? Yes, he heard you, and because you continue to relish in this type of complimentary behavior, the more forward he will become. He wants to let you know, "I've been hurt in the past so I want to be just friends first" as he tries to stuff his tongue down your throat while unhooking your bra. This is when you create "the sex buddy," "friend with benefits" "cut friend" or whatever you want to call it...so many names for it these days...Now mind you, a mature woman has the right to engage in any type of relationship she wants, including but not limited to the forementioned ones. But, if this is not the type of relationship you want, BEWARE of honey lips. A man who is trying to get the goods will not only tell you what he thinks will let him get it and go, but may hang in for some time. This is the man you are fighting off after every date who says "I mean, it is our third date." This is the guy you've talked to for a couple of weeks and you've yet to go on a date, although he wants to come over or have you come to him, really late (or really early) to "spend time with you." (Can you say "booty call"?) A man who wants to pressure you for sex or anything that you are not comfortable with is not interested in you as a person. If they were, they'd be listening to you talk about your values, desires, and things you are comfortable with instead of groping you and picturing you in your birthday suit.
So, some of us are newly single or seasonedly single, used-to-having-it-on-the-regular ladies who get a little heated after so much attention is being thrown our way (Guilty!) But this is where you take that cold shower, pull out your bullet pal and ask yourself: Is this guy really worth it if he can't even listen,hear me, and be accepting of what I want? I know it's hard sometimes (literally...) but believe me, there's a guy out there who you will let strip you naked and when you give him the red light before point of entry, he will absolutely STOP. Okay, so I'm hoping you don't go this far because it gets a little difficult to stop a train that's "full steam" ahead. But, there is a guy who will like you so much he wants to kiss you, touch you, caress you, make love to you, and do anything that you ask him to do to your body...when you are ready and give him the green light. Remember, your body is a temple and deserves to be appreciated and above all, RESPECTED. Seem a little familiar? Well, you know how you study something, over, and over, and over, and over again so you remember it? A little of that going on here. ; )
So, beware of honey lips who doesn't respect what you're saying because he's distracted by what's underneath what you you're wearing. Mr. I want your body so much I can hardly contain myself but I respect you and like you too much to do anything to jeapordize even our friendship (mouthful I know) is out there. Sweet as he can be, up and down, inside out, not just at the top before you get to that bitter layer of resentment and "rejection" because you didn't give in (yay you! pat yourself on the back).
So, as I pre-read this blog before posting, I realize, I've given you great examples of what to look out for, but hardly any on what to look for. Here goes: A man who gives you the time of day. Plain and simple. He calls/texts and lets you know what is going on with him, but, he also wants to know what's going on with you. He is concerned and is so busy listening to you that he can know what you need before you have to repeat it. Okay okay, I'm a little biased in this area, but you know what you want in a man, and you know how to listen and look for what seems right for you. Remember what you are worth, and what is worth you having a guy who doesn't treat you how you would like.
In closing, pay attention for the wolf in sweet's clothing. Wouldn't you rather have the sweetness all the way through rather than get to the center and see it's a little sour? ; )

Deserving or Undeserving...That Is the Question

Too many of us are afflicted with low self-esteem, negative self talk, and poor body images. Despite what we may look like or think, we are all beautiful women with qualities that are attractive to the right man. On those nights when you're feeling down and out about being the only single girl in your circle of friends, remember that there is at least....at least...one man out there who would kill to be with you. You are everything that he's been praying for and he is just as sad as you that he hasn't found you yet.

I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Some men are in our lives to teach us something about ourselves or what we want (or don't want) in a relationship. Some we fall in love with, date long-term, but in the end realize they're not "the one." Others are those diamonds in the rough who are husband material. So, how do we differentiate between which one is which? Easy. Ask yourself on a regular basis, "Is this man deserving of me?" Answer honestly without making excuses. It's a yes or no question that should be answered with a simple yes or no response.

A man will always, always, always let you know how he feels about you. Not necessarily with the words he says, but by his actions. Any man can tell you that he loves you, but only a man who truly does will demonstrate this love on a regular basis. A man who disrespects you, neglects you, abuses you, or belittles you does not love you. A man who does not listen and work to fulfill your basic needs and wants does not love you (I said basic now...don't break up with a good man just because he can't buy you a car or a $500 dog). Anyone who is not willing to put the necessary work into a relationship does not deserve you.

Even if you're just beginning to date a guy, he'll let you know up front what he's looking for and what type of man he is by his actions. I've talked with many men about their ideas of reciprocity when it comes to how much money they spend on a date and how much physical intimacy they expect in return at the end of the date. Don't think that you have to put out just because your date buys you the surf and turf at dinner. If he gets angry because you won't go as far as he wants, he doesn't deserve you. Some guys have said that by the third date a girl should be putting out. That's a load of crap. Never do anything to compromise your self-respect for some random guy. Your body is a temple and should be treated with respect by both you and the man you're dating. Don't let a guy pressure you into doing anything that you can't walk away at the end of the night with your self-respect intact and your head held high.

Think about your past relationships. What worked? What didn't? A man who deserves you will continue to make an effort and will work with you to grow in the relationship. A man who deserves you will listen to your needs and what you want in the relationship and will make an effort to give you those things. He might not be successful, or he might not be able to give you those things every time, but he'll at least try. He will respect your boundaries and won't pressure you to redefine them. Most importantly, he'll be there for you unconditionally with no strings attached. He won't run away at the first hardship or fight you have, he'll see you through the good times and bad. Always keep those traditional wedding vows in your mind...in sickness and in health, in good times and bad, for better or for worse, to honor and respect you, forsaking all others...if he can't do that now outside of a marriage, what makes you think he'll be able to do that when you are married? A piece of paper and ring does not a good man make.

Your mantra for the rest of your dating life should be something along these lines...I am beautiful, I am worthy of love, I deserve to be honored and cherished, I will not settle for someone who does not deserve me. Have respect for yourselves ladies...if you don't respect yourself how can any man, deserving or undeserving, do the same?



"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

Before You Settle For Less....

So, we've learned that life is not a fairytale, no stunning prince on a charming horse will fall out of the sky and sweep you off your feet; now what?! No happily ever after? No galloping away into the sunset with the man of your dreams? Okay, okay, enough of the negative "there is no such thing as true love." There is! But the key to finding this is not wishing upon a star or waiting for "the one" to walk up to you and the rest is history. There is work involved ladies; yes, work. One of the best quotes I've heard (although I have no frigging idea who came up with it) is "anything worth wanting is worth fighting for." In this day and age, if we want true love, we must fight for it.
What the heck am I talking about? I'm saying we must fight for true love by knowing that we deserve the best, we are worthy of everything we feel we need in a relationship (within reason), and we should not give up the good fight and settle for that one guy who seems like he kind of maybe could be the one if he would just.....STOP!!! Don't go any farther with that statement. I think we get so caught up in the fact that life is not a fairytale, that we forget there are some stellar moments that happen that can make us feel like we are living one. So, how do you get to those "stellar moments" that make you think "fairytale?" Standards. Yes, I mean run of the mill "this is what I want" standards. Conditions of which you would like to enter a relationship with that special someone. Standards are important because they help you to understand what you need in a relationship, and keep you on track to finding that perfect somebody; perfect for YOU, that is. But also remember to be flexible and reasonable. For example, we see in the movies all the time that tall, dark, handsome, sensitive, romantic man that is caring, considerate, thoughtful, and worships the ground you walk on. However, in real life, it is rare to find a man who exhibits ALL of these qualities ALL of the time. With that said, set your standards, be flexible, but DO NOT SETTLE.
Now you ask, what is the difference between flexing and settling? The definition of flex is "to bend." One of the definitions of settle is "to sink down gradually." Being flexible means accepting imperfections that you feel are not a deal breaker, because they A)don't negatively impact the way you feel about yourself and B) annoy the heck out of you, but it's something that you can live with.  Being flexible means you compromise and understand that  pesky "one thing" is something that makes that one guy "that guy," and you feel special knowing you snagged him. On the other hand, settling for a guy that makes you feel bad (physically, mentally, or spiritually), question yourself and desirability, or just plain out makes you sad, just because he meets three of your top five standards, will leave you in a sinkhole wondering: how do I get out of here? Ladies, we have to hold out for that guy that meets all five standards. When you go to a fancy restaurant, and they present you with a menu that boasts of the best steak you've ever eaten, for a handsome price, I'm sure you wouldn't settle for a nicely browned loaf of ground chuck on a fancy plate, dressed to sort of kind of look like the filet in the picture. Wouldn't you rather wait until the REAL thing arrives? I mean, you ARE paying for it. Okay so figuratively speaking. But if you do settle for a man who does not meat ; ) your standards, you pay for it with your time, energy, and maybe even your feelings and self-esteem. Remember what you are worth, and always know that you deserve the best! Know that your standards may differ from your friends, and try not to get caught up in the hype. If you know that bestie who has a man who forgets her birthday, doesn't take out the trash, and never tells her he loves her but she's skating on cloud 9, don't think "well she is happy...." STOP!!! and wait for your man who takes out the trash so often you forget what garbage is! Knows your birthday better than your parents (okay exaggerating here but you get the idea), and tells you he loves you AT LEAST twice a day. What's okay for your bestie, or anyone else for that matter, may not be what's best for you. One of the most important parts of a relationship is having respect for each other. If you meet someone who you want to "flex" with, but he doesn't respect your needs or conditions for the relationship, you're probably settling, not flexing. You want to be confident knowing that what you feel like you need from a relationship will be given to you---within reason. Ah ha!! A catch you say? Well yeah, this is where that work thing comes into play. Understand that with a great relationship comes great work. Don't demand things from your SOS, but meet him halfway. Communicate, communicate, and oh yea, communicate!! Set boundaries for your relationship before it becomes the type of relationship you want it to be. (By the way, this will rule out those guys that just want to take a test drive and move on to the next car *wink wink*). This means, let SOS know exactly what you want in a relationship before you get too far into it( i.e, the first date, or at least by the third). This doesn't mean bring out your wedding book and talk about the five kids you can't wait to have. It is okay to express the goals you have in mind for yourself and let them know,I would like to get married someday and have kids. If they can't meet the standards (whatever they are), help them exit stage left. More than likely, they will drop the curtain themselves and move on before you can make the exit known if they aren't up to par. Or, believe it or not, they may have their owns standards that you may not be okay with (i.e I sleep with all my dates the first night, believe in open relationships with no labels, and  I never want to get married). This is where you DON'T SETTLE, and YOU exit stage left!
All in all, don't sell your self short thinking of how you will never find that one if you don't grab the next kinda decent fella that walks by (since fairytales don't exist.) Remember, Disney fairytales are just that; tales. But, if you hold to your standards and have patience YOUR real life fairytale will eventually come to you.

Death of the Dream

Like most girls, I grew up watching Disney princess movies. My favorite was Sleeping Beauty and I wore the VHS tape out watching it over and over again every day. I loved the idea of just walking around one day doing my thing and suddenly meeting the man of my dreams. That movie taught me that a man who wanted to be with me would risk life and limb to save me when I needed him, be sensitive and attentive, and we would always live happily ever after. Some of you will laugh when you read that, but deep down isn't that what we all secretly still want? I still believe that one day I'm going to be shopping in Wal-Mart and literally bump into the man of my dreams. My generation especially has been indoctrinated with the idea that we're all princesses and our Prince Charming is out there waiting to sweep us off our feet. Big surprise that as adults we are still waiting for that perfect guy to fall out of the sky and into our hearts who will be the right combination of everything. We're waiting on him to make our lives better and fulfill us.

I freely admit that when I get into a new relationship I'm already picturing the wedding and what our kids are going to look like. It's not that I sincerely think this guy is "the one," it's just a continuation of this childhood fantasy. I want my Prince Charming and Happily Ever After, and for the first few months of the relationship, when we're still in the infatuation stage of the romance, I get him. The emotions are raw and exciting, everything is new, he's still wooing me and trying to impress me, and the hope of what could be is fresh and abundant. But, we all know what happens next. Life happens, reality sets in, and the rose-tinted glasses come off. When hard times come, and they always come, I keep going back and insisting that the guy from the first few months is who my guy really is...he's just going through a hard time right now, or he's got a lot on his mind, or he's really busy at work. The excuses come out, but the truth is the guy six months into the relationship is a truer picture of who he really is than the guy from the honeymoon period. I've created this false belief about the guy I'm dating, and he's forever judged and held to those standards.

We don't fall in love with the man, we fall in love with the hope, with the dream that everything we've waited for could finally be happening. When I go through a break-up and am mourning the end of the relationship, I'm not upset about not being with the guy anymore, I'm upset my dream of romance and a fairytale love is over. When I break up with a guy I obviously know things aren't working and he's not right for me, but the breakup is so hard to get over because that the hope I had in the beginning is gone. The death of the dream of happily ever after is the hardest part to get over.

Ladies, a man can never and will never make you happy if you're not already happy in your life.  Happily Ever After is something you have to work towards every day whether you're single or in a relationship. Romantic love is only one dimension of your life. Are you happy with who you are as a person? Are you satisfied in your career? With your friends, your home, your spirituality, your health, your hobbies? Do you have any bad habits you want to kick? Take an in-depth look at your life and assess if you're truly happy. The right guy is out there looking for you, but you need to take care of your demons and make your life what you want it to be before you go looking for him. 

There are good men still out there, but don't let childhood ideas of what Prince Charming should be cause you to overlook them. Remember, should is not reality. Love what is, not what should be.

So in closing, here's some key points to remember. There is a man out there who is capable and willing to love you for exactly who you are. A man will put his best foot forward in the beginning of your relationship to seal the deal, but he is not Prince Charming and there is no guaranteed Happily Ever After. He has his faults and there will be hard times in your relationship. Your man is who he is, and if you can't accept him don't waste any more of each others' time. Don't wait for a man to give you the life you want - give it to yourself. Set goals and work to accomplish them. Be satisfied with all areas of your life so you can find a man who will be your partner, not your savior.