The Dating Field of Dreams

I’ve never seen “Field of Dreams,” but I live by that iconic quote everyone has heard…”If you build it, he will come.” I draw inspiration from the quote in my career and with my dating life.  If I want a job first thing I’m going to do is see what’s out there. I’m going to check the help wanted section in the newspaper, update my resume, and do what I have to do to let potential employers know I exist and would be good for their company. Once I land a job interview I’m going to prepare myself for the first meeting. See where I’m going here? I have a goal and I'm putting the necessary work into achieving my goal.

It’s the same principle with dating – you’re just getting your ducks in a row so when Mr. Right comes along everything is already in place.  This begins with building the foundation to have the type of relationship you want. Laying the foundation starts in your mind. Open yourself up to the idea that Mr. Right exists, you deserve him and will find him, and having a healthy relationship is an actual possibility within your reach.

That’s the theory, next is the execution. My last blog talked about putting yourself out there, and that’s our next step but you just can’t bust out onto the scene any ole way you want. First impressions are everything, especially where dating is concerned. In one glance you determine whether you’re attracted to a man or not. Men are no different from us in this regard. A sideways glance may be all that you get from a guy you’re attracted to. Do all you can to show him that you are worth a second look. I shudder to even type that sentence because everyone who knows me will tell you I’m the first to say “Screw you” to any guy who is only interested in what I look like on the outside. Who I am on the inside is far more beautiful than anything I can portray on the outside, but (even though I hate the idea) a man will never learn of all the good qualities I have to offer if I don’t make him interested in learning about them in the first place.

Not being completely shallow, physical beauty is only a small percentage of what goes into making a good first impression. First and foremost, present yourself in a way that reflects the type of woman you are. Portray yourself in a favorable light.  I’ve said this before, respect yourself and your body. If you dress slutty you’re sending the message that you’re slutty. Men will then in turn think that you’re a slut and treat you as such. You don’t have to have your goodies hanging out; guys can see what you’re working with even with everything covered up. Present yourself as the classy lady you are.

Next comes your attitude. I’m shy by nature, especially with men, and my shyness comes off as being standoffish. You’ll have to step out of your comfort zone and show a warmth and openness that will make you approachable. I’m terrified of rejection, so you know there are men who are just as terrified. It takes a lot of balls to put yourself out there with a girl you’re interested in, so if you reciprocate that interest, show him. Smile, make eye contact, have open body language, and work to make sure he knows you’re not rejecting him. Even if you just see a guy looking at you, make eye contact and hold it. Looking away in fear the second you see a cute guy looking at you only communicates to him that you’re not interested. Fight the fear and smile at him. That’s his cue to take the next step and approach you. If he doesn’t come over, don’t think there’s something wrong with you – he just might be scared.

We'd all love to think that all men are highly confident and forward when it comes to women, but let's get real. For every 1 guy that actually approaches you, I promise there are at least 5 others who are trying to talk themselves into doing the same thing. All the unhealthy self talk we experience is not exclusive to our gender. Men have fears, insecurities, and uncertainties, too. Remember what I’ve said in an earlier blog, dating is a game. Play it smartly and stack the deck to your advantage. If you’re with a group of girls, make a point to separate from them at some point in the night to make it easier for a guy to approach you. Go over to the jukebox, look at a painting, go up to the bar alone... If a guy has a hard enough time approaching you as it is he definitely does not want an audience of your girlfriends there when he's at his most vulnerable.

When you’re making plans to go out – I don’t recommend going out with wallflowers, especially if you’re a wallflower yourself. As I said earlier, I’m shy. I’ve found it very helpful to go out with friends who are more outgoing and daring than I am. Not only do they help to bring me out of my shell with their energy, but they create situations that would not have otherwise happened. They can act as the bridge between me and a guy I’m interested in. It’s also very beneficial to have that one girl in the group who is known at “the guy wrangler.” My sister-in-law began dating my brother after one of her guy wrangling friends walked up to my brother and suggested he ask my now sister-in-law out because she thought he was cute. If you can’t go after the guy yourself, bring along the girl who will hook him for you.

After your guy is wrangled keep it real. Keep your long-term dating goals in mind and don’t lower your standards just because the guy is cute and charming. He’s obviously interested and the beauty of it is you’re in control from here on out. The man is going to push the boundaries to see how far you’ll let him go, but the main three words in that phrase is “you’ll let him.” I reiterate, you’re in control.

You can have anything you want, just set the stage and go after it!

Be What You Want!

So, you’ve read the blogs and the do’s and don’ts of dating, outlined the guy you want and are ready to jump in the dating game. Ready, set, be what you want!!!  Wondering what I mean here, huh? Well, exactly what it says; “be what you want,” even if it is only for a little while.  

When you outline the kind of guy you want, you want to present yourself in a way that will attract this type of guy to you. I know they say opposites attract, but really now, who is attracted to someone so different from themselves they can’t even get to the first impression? Think about it; when you meet someone, the high point of the conversation comes when you get to that “Really?! ME TOO!” moment. It’s so exciting to find a total stranger actually likes that weird thing that you do because they do it too!

Now, you want a guy that’s confident, not overbearing, can start a conversation, and is presentable in familial situations. You are less likely to get this guy if you are arrogant, overbearing, and dress like a playboy bunny. Hence, if you want a {insert your description here} kind of guy, you will need to exhibit some of these same characteristics.  Mind you, opposites still do attract, but, unless you have a crazy physical chemistry with a magnetic animal attraction, you’re going to have to put in a little work in getting that desired guy.

If you’re looking for a specific guy, this is what you want to portray when you put yourself out there.  Don’t be a wallflower looking for the life of the party; more than likely, he’s going to be paying attention to the circle around him, not the person in the shadows hungrily watching him (can you say creepy?) When I say be what you want, I don’t mean for you to change the person you are, or pretend to be something you’re not, but step outside of your comfort zone; put in a little work to get what you want.  If you’re normally a shy person, take that chance to initiate a conversation, or step in the circle and smile along with the guy that’s the life of the party; it’s not changing who you are, it’s using social skills.

In the words of Lyfe Jennings, “don’t be a nickel out here looking for a dime!” I know opposites attracts, but remember similarities do too; if you look trashy, you might get some great attention from a great guy who might read “easy” written across your  forehead, but if you’re looking for something solid to build on, the trashy guy is going to be looking at you for that. And think about it, even a great guy is going to come across and present himself as “trashy” if he thinks that’s what you’re putting out.  Be confident, know your worth, and express this in the social skills you’re presenting so that you are approached by a confident guy who will respect you and what you stand for.

Location, Location, Location

Just like with real estate, location is everything in the man hunt. While the type of man you’re looking for may go to a club or bar from time to time, the chances of you finding Mr. Right on the dance floor is slim to none. Who’s to say exactly where you’ll bump into Mr. Right, and I’ll concede that it happens for some people, but let’s be realistic. That kind of thing doesn’t happen to the majority of us.

Men are everywhere we look. They’re at the grocery store, church, in class, at the bar, at the coffee shop… Despite popular belief, it’s quite easy to find a man. You can go to any bar right now, show a random man some attention, and he’ll end up buying you a drink, asking you for your phone number, or at least making an inappropriate proposition to you. But, is that the kind of man you want?

There’s a simple two-step process to help you begin your man hunt.

Step One:  Identify what kind of man you want and think about where you can find him.

Step Two: You have to put yourself out there and make yourself available to be found. Even in the smallest towns there are social organizations you can join and broaden your dating horizons. There might not be any available bachelors in that group, per se, but I guarantee that there’s someone in there that has a single nephew or their son’s best friend is looking for a great girl that they’re just dying to introduce to you. If nothing else, then there is always Internet dating sites. I, personally, am not a big fan of these, but they can at least keep your socialization and flirting skills sharp until you move out of virtual reality into reality.

Try something different. Don’t go to a bar and wait for a man to seek you out, or just sit at home waiting for Mr. Right to knock on the door. Join a group, volunteer, go to a community festival, go to church socials…just get out there and show all those great guys what a catch you are!

Playing Your Cards Right

In my first posting I admitted to allowing myself to dream of marriage and unborn children with a man I first begin to date. I still freely admit this, but I just want to add that I never, ever act on these dreams and I certainly don’t tell the man about these visions and hopes. We can’t help what fantasies and thoughts we have, but we sure as heck have control over what comes out of our mouths and what behaviors we engage in.

Any man who is willing to move quickly in a relationship is bad news bears. We’ve all been on a date with a guy who moved way too quickly. It was a turn-off wasn’t it? They come across as desperate and you can bet your bottom dollar they’re going to be needy and controlling if you do actually get into a relationship with them. As women, how are we any different doing the same things to men?

There are major, obvious differences between the two sexes, but there are also universal red flags we all adhere to. No psychologically healthy person wants a partner who will be demanding, smothering, and controlling. While it’s normal for us to dream and hope for the future, it’s not something we should verbalize to a potential partner early in the dating game. And yes, dating is a game that has to be played. If I knew more about poker I’d make some cheesy reference about full houses, royal flushes, whatever…but I don’t, so I’ll just stick to “Play your cards right” when it comes to the beginning stages of the relationship (i.e. the first few dates).

First and foremost, play it cool and don’t be an oversharer. Keep in mind that after the date ends and you go your separate ways, he’s going to pull out his phone and call one of his buddies. He has no real loyalty to you yet, so that deep dark secret you revealed is fair game for future running jokes between him and his circle of friends. Not only that, but as I mentioned before, jumping off the deep end so early into a relationship is a turn off. Dating is just a test drive. He wants to see if investing time in you and a relationship with you is worth the trouble. If you’re trouble in the beginning don’t expect him to invest anything into you.

Pay attention to body language and nonverbal cues. I could do the therapist thing and tell you specific things to look for, but come on…if he looks bored or uninterested while you’re talking, he probably is. Change the subject.

Laugh at his jokes whether you think they’re funny or not. He might have asked you out, but it’s your job to be hospitable. Dates are just like relationships, you have to work at having a good one. Go into it with a positive, upbeat attitude, and work to make it a good experience. I’d advise you to throw some compliments his way. The way to a man’s heart isn’t through food; it’s by stroking the male ego.

Don’t talk about past relationships and for heaven’s sake don’t talk about your exes no matter how much you hate them or how wrong they treated you. I went on a date earlier this year with a man who was on his first date since his divorce from his ex-wife. He talked the entire time about her, angrily I might add, and let me reassure you, there was no second date. Leave your baggage at home. As the relationship progresses and he begins to prove his trustworthiness you can start unpacking your bags one item at a time.

Don’t talk about sex and don’t try to seduce him. It makes you look slutty. If that’s the look you’re going for then by all means go for it, but remember your long-term relationship goals. Men wanting to be in serious, long-term relationships don’t want sluts, they want respectable ladies they can trust and invite into their lives.

Don’t start the relationship on a rocky foundation. This means don’t lie to your date about the things that suck in your life. You have to let him know up front if you’re crashing on your best friend’s couch right now, looking for work, have children, or are really 40 instead of 30. He has the right to know, and you have the right to move on if these are deal breakers for him.

If you don’t like him and aren’t interested in a second date, then ignore everything I’ve just told you. It’ll work on a normal guy. If he calls you for a second date after you intentionally sabotage the first one, it’s a clear indicator that he has issues.

For any men who may be reading this…here’s a freebie for you. On the first date (and all future dates preferably), be a gentleman. Open the door for her, pay for the meal, be respectful. Work to put your date at ease, compliment her, and make her laugh. Don’t look at the hot girl who walks past the table, don’t flirt with the waitress, and don’t compare your date to all the other girls in the room. She should be your main focus, and it helps to actually listen to what she’s saying. Don’t drink too much, don’t make lewd comments, don’t have bad table manners, don’t brag about yourself, and for the love of all things cute and cuddly, don’t expect her to put out! The same rules apply to you…remember your long-term relationship goals.

Take things slowly and remember, this guy has to prove himself worthy of you. You are not on trial here, he is. If things don’t work out and he doesn’t call you again, don’t feel rejected or bad about yourself. Count your blessings that you don’t have to waste any more time with someone you don’t have chemistry or a future with.

NEEDINESS, CLINGINESS, OVER-SENSITIVITY….OH MY!

I am one of “those girls.” You know…one of ”those girls” that does all the stereotypical things that pushes men away from them. I like to think I’m one of those cool girlfriends who aren’t needy, clingy, or overly sensitive, but upon self-reflection, there has been a point in each of my relationships where I have erred on the side of neediness, clinginess, and being overly sensitive. For me, allowing a man to breach the boundaries I have in place with men and allowing him the honor of being in my life is a big deal. It’s difficult to allow yourself to be that vulnerable with anyone, especially with a man who has such power over the ebb and flow of your emotions.

Go ahead and admit it, ladies. Men have a certain way about them that make our feminist mindsets disappear. We cook their favorite foods, we wear our hair the way they like it, we neglect friends, we do things we swore we would never do… How many of you, when you get out of a relationship, say never again will a man have that much power over you? How many of you have forgotten that very oath the second another man comes into the picture?

For me, nothing can make my day better than getting attention from the guy I like. In the same regards, nothing can ruin my day quicker than the guy I like becoming upset with me, or saying something stupid to hurt my feelings, or just not responding to my texts in a quick enough amount of time. Even just recently a trip of a lifetime was almost ruined because the guy I was dating at the time decided a few hours before I boarded the plane to be a jerk-off…and (to my horror) I had only been on three dates with him but I was allowing him to do this to me!!

So why can’t I practice what I preach? It’s those darn emotions. As a counselor, it’s easy for me to give others advice because I’m not emotionally involved in the situation and can therefore be objective. When it comes to my own relationships, my brain can tell me the logical thing to do, but my heart tugs my decisions in the opposite direction. Nothing makes me more emotionally vulnerable and illogical than relationships. When it comes to romance, men cease to be men. The man is a representation of so much more than just another human being you have a relationship with. The “boyfriend” is the culmination of hopes, dreams, insecurities, fears, warmth, happiness, completion, companionship, unconditional love…need I go on? The longer we’re with them, the more invested we become. The more invested we are, the less control we have over our own emotions.

There is nothing scarier than the feeling of not being in control of yourself. Well, I take that back. There’s nothing scarier than realizing that another human being has control over you. That’s when we become clingy and needy. We begin to try to start controlling our men to regain that feeling of control of ourselves. I’m not going to let you make me feel this way, so I’m going to nag you and make you feel guilty enough until you do what I want so I can feel the way I want. Yeah, it’s just as complicated and stupid as those two sentences sound.  What we fail to realize, until it’s far too late I might add, is those behaviors we’re using in an attempt to regain control, is doing nothing but causing us to lose control in our relationships. We end up pushing our men away by our clingy, needy, overly sensitive behaviors and create more problems that cause us to be even more needy and clingy. It’s a vicious cycle that can be prevented.

Drop the needy crap and be the cool girlfriend. Here’s some tips:

1.       Know your insecurities – knowledge is power. The more you know about your own issues, the more you can do to not put them on your man.

2.       Review past blogs. YOU DO NOT NEED A MAN TO FULFILL YOU. You are a bright, beautiful, capable woman who is in control of your own life, thoughts, and emotions.

3.       You can love your man and be emotionally attached to him without having to control him. Do not go against the current, just go with the flow. If you’re in a mutually loving and respectful relationship your man isn’t going to intentionally do anything to shatter your vulnerable heart. Just chill out and trust him.

4.       If you’re a recovering needy girlfriend you will relapse. The insecurity monster will rear its ugly head, but’s it’s OK. Acknowledge the neediness, apologize to your man, talk it out, and fight through the next episode of neediness you’ll have.

5.       If he’s truly in love with you, he’s just as scared of being vulnerable and hurt as you are. Remember that and don’t take advantage of it.

6.       It’s OK for him to have friends and a life outside of your relationship. If he loves you and is deserving of you, he won’t abuse/betray your trust. P.S. It’s OK for you to have friends and a life outside of your relationship, too.

7.       If he does happen to mess up a little and hurt your feelings, take responsibility for your feelings, communicate them to your man, forgive him, and drop it. Simply say something along the lines of “I feel ____________ when you _______________.” Define the problem, come up with a solution, and DROP IT. If it continues to happen…maybe he doesn’t deserve you….

a.       Side note: He didn’t make you feel anything, you allowed yourself to feel a certain way about a situation. No one has the power to make you feel anything, that’s all on you.

8.       Even though you may have been together for 20 years and he’s your soul mate, he can’t read your mind. Let’s just be honest, he probably can’t even get the not-so-subtle hint you’ve been dropping all week. Short, uncomplicated sentences work wonders. “I need a hug.” “Please take out the trash after dinner.” “My birthday is next week and I want to go to the Olive Garden for dinner where I want you to give me perfume for my present.” Just say what you want.

9.       No more of this passive-aggressive business. It’s very unattractive and unproductive. Review #8. It isn’t going to magically dawn on him that he didn’t take out the trash because you’re in the kitchen banging pots and pans, and he can’t see inside your head to know you’re mad he didn’t remember the anniversary of the first time you made snowmen together. Tell him the deal, let him apologize, and get over it. It goes so much more quickly this way.

10.   Remember, he’s a guy. Most men aren’t socialized to be emotional or empathetic to the fact we’re on our period and bloated. He just wants a beer and to see something naked. Accept him for who and what he is and not what you think he should be.

a.       Side note: Men are fixers. Fixing things are hard-wired into their brains. If you bring a problem to him, he’s going to try to fix it. Unless you tell him, he isn’t going to know that a simple hug or caress will be all that you need. Give him a disclaimer up front…”Baby, I want to tell you about my problem, but I just want you to listen, not try to fix it…”

11.   Love is never easy. It isn’t meant to be easy. You have to open your heart even though you’re scared and take a chance. Make sure he’s worth the trouble before you jump in the deep end, but if you can’t trust him with the deepest, most vulnerable part of you then what are you doing with him?

Take this advice. Add to it. Modify it. But get real ladies. Being needy and clingy may be cute in the beginning of a relationship, but is a major turn-off once the cuteness fades. Keep yourself in check and remember, if you give a man your heart you have to give him your whole heart. Being clingy and needy only shows that maybe you’re not quite as ready to be in love as you thought you were.

Beware of "The Thrill of the Chase!"

"Hey honey, sweetheart, beautiful, sexy, pumpkin, cuty, my special girl..." Ever meet a guy with sugar dripping from his honeycomb lips? Whispers the sweetest nothings in your ear and it's only the first conversation text message/phone call before you even get to the actual date? Begin "The Chase." Yes, the thrill of going after something you want. Like how you REALLY want that pair of shoes and you go to a thousand different stores "chasing" 'em then you get it, wear 'em once and now they're hanging out in the back of your closet? Get my drift ladies? Men love the "thrill" of the chase. Now don't get me wrong, of course there are some legitimate sugar canes out there that are in it to win, or will stick around past the sappy "come hither" talk. Make sure you are aware of what type you're hanging out with.
A man will tell you little, tiny, subtle things about himself that he will not tell you verbally while he is actually speaking to you...Lose anybody? Okay, let me find you and pull you back in. ; ) Men don't always say exactly what they mean (WHAT?!). It's true friends; no matter how they pull the "man" card of ALWAYS saying what they mean and meaning what they say, it's not true. I know. I know. More work for us ladies. But being aware of this and using the information will be well worth the pay out in the end.
So, how do you know? Well, in a conversation, a man will tell you what he feels you need to hear so that he can do one of a couple of things: 1) Get to know you better, 2) Get to know you better so he can sleep with you 3) Get to know you better so that he can figure out if you are worth his hanging around until he can sleep with you. We want to shoot for number one. To do this, all you need to do is.... LISTEN to what he tells you and LOOK at his behavior. A man who steps to you and says "hey sugar honey iced-tea you got the best legs this side of creation!" is telling you, I noticed your legs and i'm attracted to you physically. Keep him talking for a little while, and he tells you, "you're the most beautiful woman I have seen in my life, including my mama!" Laying it on extra thick isn't he? The more you keep him talking, the more you see, this guy is really hung up on looks...didn't he hear me say thank you the first thousand times he complimented my D-Cup? Yes, he heard you, and because you continue to relish in this type of complimentary behavior, the more forward he will become. He wants to let you know, "I've been hurt in the past so I want to be just friends first" as he tries to stuff his tongue down your throat while unhooking your bra. This is when you create "the sex buddy," "friend with benefits" "cut friend" or whatever you want to call it...so many names for it these days...Now mind you, a mature woman has the right to engage in any type of relationship she wants, including but not limited to the forementioned ones. But, if this is not the type of relationship you want, BEWARE of honey lips. A man who is trying to get the goods will not only tell you what he thinks will let him get it and go, but may hang in for some time. This is the man you are fighting off after every date who says "I mean, it is our third date." This is the guy you've talked to for a couple of weeks and you've yet to go on a date, although he wants to come over or have you come to him, really late (or really early) to "spend time with you." (Can you say "booty call"?) A man who wants to pressure you for sex or anything that you are not comfortable with is not interested in you as a person. If they were, they'd be listening to you talk about your values, desires, and things you are comfortable with instead of groping you and picturing you in your birthday suit.
So, some of us are newly single or seasonedly single, used-to-having-it-on-the-regular ladies who get a little heated after so much attention is being thrown our way (Guilty!) But this is where you take that cold shower, pull out your bullet pal and ask yourself: Is this guy really worth it if he can't even listen,hear me, and be accepting of what I want? I know it's hard sometimes (literally...) but believe me, there's a guy out there who you will let strip you naked and when you give him the red light before point of entry, he will absolutely STOP. Okay, so I'm hoping you don't go this far because it gets a little difficult to stop a train that's "full steam" ahead. But, there is a guy who will like you so much he wants to kiss you, touch you, caress you, make love to you, and do anything that you ask him to do to your body...when you are ready and give him the green light. Remember, your body is a temple and deserves to be appreciated and above all, RESPECTED. Seem a little familiar? Well, you know how you study something, over, and over, and over, and over again so you remember it? A little of that going on here. ; )
So, beware of honey lips who doesn't respect what you're saying because he's distracted by what's underneath what you you're wearing. Mr. I want your body so much I can hardly contain myself but I respect you and like you too much to do anything to jeapordize even our friendship (mouthful I know) is out there. Sweet as he can be, up and down, inside out, not just at the top before you get to that bitter layer of resentment and "rejection" because you didn't give in (yay you! pat yourself on the back).
So, as I pre-read this blog before posting, I realize, I've given you great examples of what to look out for, but hardly any on what to look for. Here goes: A man who gives you the time of day. Plain and simple. He calls/texts and lets you know what is going on with him, but, he also wants to know what's going on with you. He is concerned and is so busy listening to you that he can know what you need before you have to repeat it. Okay okay, I'm a little biased in this area, but you know what you want in a man, and you know how to listen and look for what seems right for you. Remember what you are worth, and what is worth you having a guy who doesn't treat you how you would like.
In closing, pay attention for the wolf in sweet's clothing. Wouldn't you rather have the sweetness all the way through rather than get to the center and see it's a little sour? ; )

Deserving or Undeserving...That Is the Question

Too many of us are afflicted with low self-esteem, negative self talk, and poor body images. Despite what we may look like or think, we are all beautiful women with qualities that are attractive to the right man. On those nights when you're feeling down and out about being the only single girl in your circle of friends, remember that there is at least....at least...one man out there who would kill to be with you. You are everything that he's been praying for and he is just as sad as you that he hasn't found you yet.

I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Some men are in our lives to teach us something about ourselves or what we want (or don't want) in a relationship. Some we fall in love with, date long-term, but in the end realize they're not "the one." Others are those diamonds in the rough who are husband material. So, how do we differentiate between which one is which? Easy. Ask yourself on a regular basis, "Is this man deserving of me?" Answer honestly without making excuses. It's a yes or no question that should be answered with a simple yes or no response.

A man will always, always, always let you know how he feels about you. Not necessarily with the words he says, but by his actions. Any man can tell you that he loves you, but only a man who truly does will demonstrate this love on a regular basis. A man who disrespects you, neglects you, abuses you, or belittles you does not love you. A man who does not listen and work to fulfill your basic needs and wants does not love you (I said basic now...don't break up with a good man just because he can't buy you a car or a $500 dog). Anyone who is not willing to put the necessary work into a relationship does not deserve you.

Even if you're just beginning to date a guy, he'll let you know up front what he's looking for and what type of man he is by his actions. I've talked with many men about their ideas of reciprocity when it comes to how much money they spend on a date and how much physical intimacy they expect in return at the end of the date. Don't think that you have to put out just because your date buys you the surf and turf at dinner. If he gets angry because you won't go as far as he wants, he doesn't deserve you. Some guys have said that by the third date a girl should be putting out. That's a load of crap. Never do anything to compromise your self-respect for some random guy. Your body is a temple and should be treated with respect by both you and the man you're dating. Don't let a guy pressure you into doing anything that you can't walk away at the end of the night with your self-respect intact and your head held high.

Think about your past relationships. What worked? What didn't? A man who deserves you will continue to make an effort and will work with you to grow in the relationship. A man who deserves you will listen to your needs and what you want in the relationship and will make an effort to give you those things. He might not be successful, or he might not be able to give you those things every time, but he'll at least try. He will respect your boundaries and won't pressure you to redefine them. Most importantly, he'll be there for you unconditionally with no strings attached. He won't run away at the first hardship or fight you have, he'll see you through the good times and bad. Always keep those traditional wedding vows in your mind...in sickness and in health, in good times and bad, for better or for worse, to honor and respect you, forsaking all others...if he can't do that now outside of a marriage, what makes you think he'll be able to do that when you are married? A piece of paper and ring does not a good man make.

Your mantra for the rest of your dating life should be something along these lines...I am beautiful, I am worthy of love, I deserve to be honored and cherished, I will not settle for someone who does not deserve me. Have respect for yourselves ladies...if you don't respect yourself how can any man, deserving or undeserving, do the same?



"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."