Standards: Friend or Foe?

Nikita and I were at a book store last night checking out the Psychology and Self-Help books (we know we’re nerds), and came across a book on dating. Its title included some words about how to get any guy you wanted, so of course we opened it up and started reading. I don’t believe you can get any man you want, just ask any girl whose guy broke up with them, but the book did make some valid points. One such point was about how your standards can be your main crippler in your dating life.

Your dating standards are those make it or break it features when it comes to potential suitors. It’s a checklist of what you’re looking for that makes men easily categorical. My list looks a little something like this:

Age range: 27-35

Must be single and unattached, never married preferred

College educated preferred

Must have nice teeth

Does not have children

Must be Christian

Does not abuse drugs or alcohol

Does not have a history of physically, psychologically, or sexually abusing his girlfriends

Must have a job and be financially secure

I could, and do, go on and on, but the purpose of this blog isn’t to tell you what I’m looking for. The purpose of this blog is to challenge you to be honest with yourself. Are you being realistic with your standards? The book Nikita and I read said to make your list then throw it away. I disagree with that, but I’ll amend what they said to: Make your list and prioritize it.

What are you willing to compromise on and what are your absolute must haves on your list? I’m not going to get involved with a 70 year old Buddhist because it goes against my beliefs, and just…eww. But, how crazy would it be of me to finally meet a nice guy who I have great chemistry with and reject him just for the simple fact that he’s 40? Or has 1 rogue tooth?

If a shallow, superficial quality makes you not want to be with a guy, then by all means, don’t do anything you don’t want to do, but don’t use it as an excuse. If you’re rigid with your list you run the risk the danger of letting Mr. Right slip right through your fingers. Most of the items on my list are things I’m not willing to compromise on, but if a great guy I meet is divorced, then oh well, who cares. We all make mistakes.

Be open to the potential all men have to offer - it doesn’t matter what package the potential comes in. As we've preached from day one: judge a man on his actions. If a guy makes you laugh, feel good about yourself, and is fun to be around, don't discard him just because he doesn't meet your idea of what you think a man worthy of dating you should be.

Beware of the Disappearing Man

There is a rare trait amongst the race of men that has been passed down throughout the centuries. Sometimes it’s inherited, sometimes it’s slowly developed, and sometimes the man is just suddenly afflicted with it. Before you get too worried and make your man go to the doctor, let me reiterate that it’s a rare trait. Not every man comes down with this, but I will caution you that there are varying degrees to which they can suffer from this trait and it can come and go quickly.

The milder form, of course, is when you become the Game Day Widow. This could be just during football season, or he could suffer from this year round depending on his level of enthusiasm for sports (you can also substitute hunting here). This is common amongst men and shouldn’t be of major concern to you. He has testosterone, he loves sports, he yells at the ref on TV, he is a man. While he’s glued to the tube and expressing his man crush for Tom Brady, go hang out with your girlfriends or soak in a hot bath. He’ll remember you exist during the commercial breaks and will be yelling for a sandwich or beer in about an hour or so.

Then there’s the Weekend Romancer, A.K.A. Midnight Romeo, A.K.A. This-Relationship-Is-Based-Around-My-Schedule…er. This is the guy who you never hear from during the week/day until every other distraction is out of sight, out of mind. His life comes first and you’re not a major factor in his life even though he swears up and down that you are. As I eluded earlier, he wants to see you on his time regardless of what you’ve got going on. He’ll text you at 1 a.m., he’ll just show up at your house unannounced, and then you never hear from him again until he wants something from you. This, ladies, is a red flag rising on the mast. You’re either OK with this or you’re not. You better decide early on in the relationship because once that pattern is set it’s hard to break.

Next comes Mr. Emotionally Unattached. It means just that. He’s in the relationship physically but now you and your relationship is just a habit to him and he’s just going through the motions. He’s not in love with you anymore, he doesn’t express happiness, sadness, longing, or passion…the most emotion you’re likely to get from him is anger and frustration after you’ve nagged him to the point of an argument. This is also a red flag, and the prognosis is bleak.

Then comes the worst diagnosis of all. With this type of man there is no denying the message he is trying to send you. There is no denying what his feelings towards you are. There is no denying that you will not have a future with this man. This is the infamous Vanishing Man. One day he’s in your life and the next he’s gone. He stops calling you, stops emailing you, stops texting to you, and literally falls off the face of the Earth. I’m not talking about a day or two…I’m talking about a week or two. If you want to be optimistic I’ll even give you a month or two. There’s no point trying to track him down, just accept that he’s too cowardly to tell you how he feels and he’s hiding from you. Prognosis: It’s over. He’s not coming back.

Now, every man has the potential to be stricken with any form of disappearing. It may come and go within a couple of hours. It might be a phase he goes through for a couple of months while he’s having a mid-life crisis. Or, it could be something that he’s afflicted with permanently. You owe to yourself to figure out if he suffers from these symptoms, and if he does, if you’re OK with how things are going in your relationship.

The big question I ask my clients who come in unhappy with their partner is whether they can see themselves spending another 5 years with them. So ask yourself…can I do this for another 5 years? Another year? 6 months? A month? If you’ve answered ‘no’ to all these questions you obviously know what you have to do. Get to doing it.

Guys Do It, Too!

So, I was washing the dishes after dinner and was using that time to ponder over my current situation. I was doing the usual self-deprecating thing we women do when the sizzle starts to fizzle in our relationships. That would be wondering why all the men I get involved with are so excited about me when we first get together but over time they lose steam and interest. If I'm so great and wonderful in the beginning and I've been consistent (if not worked harder) with treating you well, why is my awesomeness not enough almost a year into the relationship? It then dawned on me mid-scrub that guys are no different than we are when it comes to dreams and expectations in a new relationship.

I don't know why that surprised me - I guess I just always thought of guys as being completely black and white creatures. I still have the whole Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus mentality going on I guess. While I concede the simple fact that we have different body parts and are socialized differently, why would a man not want to meet the girl of his dreams and have the love of his life?

Take one of my exes as an example. He and I began dating a couple of months after his first tour in Iraq. He had just gotten out of a long-term relationship with a girl he didn't feel loved him anymore and was just using him for his money. I enter stage right with all my wonderful qualities and give him all the attention, affection, and warm fuzzies he had missed with her for years... Voila, the makings of a potential fairytale romance. Is this not what I had described in "Death of the Dream?" Things obviously changed between us after the first six months or so. We stayed together for a few more months, but after a year and a half he just couldn't get that same happiness and warm fuzzies as he did in the beginning.

I used to beat myself up over the idea that I wasn't making him happy anymore. I shed many a tear over the thought that I just wasn't good enough...nothing I did was good enough and he would never love me the way he used to. Now, years later, I understand that he wasn't happy with his life in general, not me specifically. It wouldn't have mattered if I had all the qualities of a Stepford Wife and did everything right. I had no power to change what was happening in his life and I certainly didn't have the power to alter his mood.

In every relationship I get into I want my man to put me on a pedestal, but I want to be up there unconditionally. I want him to treat me the way I want to be treated, but I don't want every minor mistake or bad day he has to cause me to slip from up there. Six months into the relationship I usually find myself hanging on the ledge for dear life and then my hands start slipping finger by finger as the months go by. By the time I'm hanging on by one finger I'm usually beating myself up over why I didn't do more, what I could have done differently, why I'm not good enough...

What a relief to finally realize that I am good enough. I'm still the great girl that I was in the beginning, but his fantasy of what I was didn't pan out over time. He made me Super Girlfriend. He made me something I wasn't, I never pretended to be more than I was. You can't live up to impossible standards forever.

Don't call your man up and beg him to tell you what you did wrong and why he doesn't love you anymore. You're not the woman of his dreams. That might hurt to hear now, but remember, if you're not the woman of his dreams he's not going to treat you like you are. You deserve better than that. Take a deep breath and let this sink in. Hopefully the relief will wash over you as it did me. You are good enough, he just failed to realize you're not a Disney princess that goes around singing to animals, baking from scratch in sexy lingerie, who stays young and firm forever, that's always perky and will rush to his beckon call... You are wonderful, beautiful, fabulous you. Your worth does not diminish because one guy can't love you unconditionally.

It’s Not Just Their Fault

So obviously the whole point of this blog is to remind you ladies to be realistic about men and relationships, and to further remind you that you do have a say in what happens to you. It’s very freeing to come to the realization that you can make your life anything you want it to be. It’s even more freeing to realize that you don’t have to be in a sucky relationship.

For any men reading this, just let me say what I need to say, but don’t stop here…I’m going to keep it real for y’all too.

First and foremost ladies, no man has the ability to control you unless you let him control you. We’ve already talked about how you can’t control your man, but the same is true for him. Controlling behaviors come in all different shapes and sizes – jealousy, physical abuse, emotional abuse, possessiveness, belittling, guilt trips…you’ve seen it. If your man (or woman) is more intent on making you feel bad about yourself than making you happy – leave. You deserve better than that. It’s scary to leave a relationship, especially when you’ve been in one for a long time, I’ve been there, but trust me when I say that you’ll make it through.

Here comes some tough love, ladies. I said we have to be realistic, and making the guys out to be in the wrong all the time is not realistic. There are some guys out there who are true jerks, but ladies we can do some pretty messed up things too. Look back on your last failed relationship. What did you do to contribute to the problems?

Sometimes we get too focused on what our man isn’t doing for us that we over look what he is doing. We expect a lot from them, but give nothing back in return. If you’re only in a relationship for what a man can give you, you’re in it for the wrong reason. Be more concerned about the acts of love and kindness he gives to you rather than the material objects he buys for you. Don’t get hung up on him not sending you flowers just because it’s Monday and miss out on the fact that he went to see that sappy romantic comedy with you he wouldn’t otherwise be caught dead in. Look at all the small things he does to prove himself than the things you think he should be doing but isn’t.

Most of us, male and female, thrive on drama of some sorts. Are you creating unnecessary drama in your relationship? Comedian Dane Cook joked about the “nothing fights” couples have after they’ve been together for a while. In his bit on these fights, he talked about a couple arguing over jelly in the grocery store. Come on now…get real. Life and relationships are hard enough as it is without having to bring in insignificant things to argue about. Couples I’ve counseled before have come to me with these exact problems, and I’ve found that these fights represent the symptoms of the syndrome. In other words, they’re fighting over small things because there are bigger issues that need addressing. Quit wasting your time on avoiding the main problem.

Take some time to honestly assess what you’re doing wrong in your relationship. It could be as simple as not communicating your needs to being possessive to just taking out your frustrations out on your man. Once you figure it out, keep yourself in check and choose your battles. Think of it this way, pretend you have a cap on how many fights you can have before your relationship falls apart. It doesn’t matter what you’re fighting about, it’s just the simple fact that you’re fighting. Is an argument over jelly worth creeping towards that ceiling?

Remember, he can’t control you, you can’t control him, but you can control what you say and do. Don’t nitpick and overanalyze every little thing your man does. Just because you got him and are in a relationship doesn’t mean that the work is over. Even if you’ve been married for 30 years, the work isn’t over. Work diligently to have the type of relationship you want and stop contributing to your part of the problems in your relationship.

Control Freaks, Read This

Alright all you control freaks out there…this one is for you. I just have two words for you. Shut. Up. Yup, you read that correctly. Just shut up. Being an overbearing shrew is only going to make your man 1.) Give up; 2.) Get mad; 3.) Do the complete opposite of what you want out of spite; 4.) Think you’re an overbearing shrew who will never think he does anything right.

Maybe he doesn’t do anything exactly the way you want it, but guess what…at least he’s putting forth the effort! That’s more than what most other men do! Nagging and belittling him only accomplishes one thing: it creates an emotional gap between the two of you.

Remember, there are more important things to fight about. What does it matter if he folds the towels differently than you do or puts the dishes in the dishwasher a different way? Do the towels get folded? Yes. Do the dishes get washed? Yes. Are you the one having to do it all? No!

How many men do you know want to help around the house? If you’ve ever been to a bachelor pad you know the answer to that question. The man willing to contribute and put forth an effort is a diamond in the rough. What are you thinking trying to kill that in him??? You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Remember what I said earlier…a man who belittles you does not deserve you. Here’s a reality check for you…do you deserve your man? If you feel you do, then please act like it. Show him you appreciate the effort he puts forth in the household and in your relationship. Trust me, there’s a long line of women (myself included) who would gladly take him off your hands.

There’s nothing sexier than a man who is willing to do whatever it takes to take care of his woman/family. It might irk you that he’s not doing it your way, but for heaven’s sake, build a bridge and get over it.

Why Doesn’t He Love Me?

Right now I’m listening to “Why Don’t You Love Me?” by Beyonce. Here’s a little taste of the lyrics:

http://blip.fm/listen/Beyonce::Why+Don't+You+Love+Me+(Official+Album+Version)

Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
Why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?

There's nothing not to love about me
No, no, there's nothing not to love about me
I'm lovely
There's nothing not to need about me
No, no, there's nothing not to need about me

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard a woman say that, or thought or said those words myself. Just like you, I’m a great catch. I’m educated, have a great career, have an awesome personality, and have many wonderful qualities to offer a man. So why can’t I get a man to see how awesome I am? Why won’t a man just fall madly in love with me and not be able to live without me and marry me and work every day to make me happy?

Dear Lord in Heaven please help me to get over myself.

Yes, you are wonderful. You’re an amazing woman that a guy would be crazy to give up, but guess what… a guy may be madly in love with you, but he’ll still give you up if he doesn’t think you’re the right woman for him. That’s just how life is. Sometimes you get the guy you want, but he’s not the guy you need. Sometimes you get the guy you need, but it’s not the right time, or he’s not the right one a year down the road. We all grow and change over time. Sometimes in a relationship we grow and change together, but sometimes we grow apart and realize that we don’t have anything in common any more.

From now on, be your own best friend. If you would give words of comfort and encouragement to your best friends during a breakup or rocky patch, why wouldn’t you give it to yourself? We all have the same script we follow when it comes to consoling our girlfriends; use it on yourself after a breakup. I don’t encourage the man hating though – it doesn’t accomplish anything. He isn’t a jerk for not wanting to be with you anymore. He’s just being honest. Would you rather he lead you on for another year?

Let me rant a minute about the whole "leading you on" concept...unless he is an accomplished con artist after you for a large inheritance, there's no such thing. Come on, think about how many times he's tried to tell you or show you he wants out but you wouldn't give him an easy out. You knew what he was doing, but you started with the excuses, begging, denying it, trying to make changes, etc. Your man doesn't want to hurt your feelings by coming right out and telling you he doesn't want to be with you, but his actions will speak loud and clear about what his intentions are. You've been engaged for a year but he won't discuss setting a date? He doesn't want to kiss you anymore? "Yes, baby, I still want to be with you" but he won't spend time with you anymore? He doesn't tell you he loves you anymore? In the words of Bill Engvall...here's your sign.

If your relationship isn’t meant to be...it doesn’t matter how educated you are, how well you cook, how fit and trimmed your body is, etc…he isn’t going to stay with you. Stop wasting your time thinking about how great you’ve been to him and how he just doesn’t see how wonderful you are. A square peg won’t fit into a round hole no matter how hard you try to make it fit. Accept the fact that he isn’t the man you’re supposed to be with, and move on.

There is a man out there who will love you, need you, and appreciate everything you have to offer without you having to constantly prove yourself to him.  He’ll be in the relationship willingly without you having to blackmail, manipulate, and remind him of everything you’ve done for him or how much you’re worth. Go find him and quit wasting your time on someone who isn’t right for you.

The Dating Field of Dreams

I’ve never seen “Field of Dreams,” but I live by that iconic quote everyone has heard…”If you build it, he will come.” I draw inspiration from the quote in my career and with my dating life.  If I want a job first thing I’m going to do is see what’s out there. I’m going to check the help wanted section in the newspaper, update my resume, and do what I have to do to let potential employers know I exist and would be good for their company. Once I land a job interview I’m going to prepare myself for the first meeting. See where I’m going here? I have a goal and I'm putting the necessary work into achieving my goal.

It’s the same principle with dating – you’re just getting your ducks in a row so when Mr. Right comes along everything is already in place.  This begins with building the foundation to have the type of relationship you want. Laying the foundation starts in your mind. Open yourself up to the idea that Mr. Right exists, you deserve him and will find him, and having a healthy relationship is an actual possibility within your reach.

That’s the theory, next is the execution. My last blog talked about putting yourself out there, and that’s our next step but you just can’t bust out onto the scene any ole way you want. First impressions are everything, especially where dating is concerned. In one glance you determine whether you’re attracted to a man or not. Men are no different from us in this regard. A sideways glance may be all that you get from a guy you’re attracted to. Do all you can to show him that you are worth a second look. I shudder to even type that sentence because everyone who knows me will tell you I’m the first to say “Screw you” to any guy who is only interested in what I look like on the outside. Who I am on the inside is far more beautiful than anything I can portray on the outside, but (even though I hate the idea) a man will never learn of all the good qualities I have to offer if I don’t make him interested in learning about them in the first place.

Not being completely shallow, physical beauty is only a small percentage of what goes into making a good first impression. First and foremost, present yourself in a way that reflects the type of woman you are. Portray yourself in a favorable light.  I’ve said this before, respect yourself and your body. If you dress slutty you’re sending the message that you’re slutty. Men will then in turn think that you’re a slut and treat you as such. You don’t have to have your goodies hanging out; guys can see what you’re working with even with everything covered up. Present yourself as the classy lady you are.

Next comes your attitude. I’m shy by nature, especially with men, and my shyness comes off as being standoffish. You’ll have to step out of your comfort zone and show a warmth and openness that will make you approachable. I’m terrified of rejection, so you know there are men who are just as terrified. It takes a lot of balls to put yourself out there with a girl you’re interested in, so if you reciprocate that interest, show him. Smile, make eye contact, have open body language, and work to make sure he knows you’re not rejecting him. Even if you just see a guy looking at you, make eye contact and hold it. Looking away in fear the second you see a cute guy looking at you only communicates to him that you’re not interested. Fight the fear and smile at him. That’s his cue to take the next step and approach you. If he doesn’t come over, don’t think there’s something wrong with you – he just might be scared.

We'd all love to think that all men are highly confident and forward when it comes to women, but let's get real. For every 1 guy that actually approaches you, I promise there are at least 5 others who are trying to talk themselves into doing the same thing. All the unhealthy self talk we experience is not exclusive to our gender. Men have fears, insecurities, and uncertainties, too. Remember what I’ve said in an earlier blog, dating is a game. Play it smartly and stack the deck to your advantage. If you’re with a group of girls, make a point to separate from them at some point in the night to make it easier for a guy to approach you. Go over to the jukebox, look at a painting, go up to the bar alone... If a guy has a hard enough time approaching you as it is he definitely does not want an audience of your girlfriends there when he's at his most vulnerable.

When you’re making plans to go out – I don’t recommend going out with wallflowers, especially if you’re a wallflower yourself. As I said earlier, I’m shy. I’ve found it very helpful to go out with friends who are more outgoing and daring than I am. Not only do they help to bring me out of my shell with their energy, but they create situations that would not have otherwise happened. They can act as the bridge between me and a guy I’m interested in. It’s also very beneficial to have that one girl in the group who is known at “the guy wrangler.” My sister-in-law began dating my brother after one of her guy wrangling friends walked up to my brother and suggested he ask my now sister-in-law out because she thought he was cute. If you can’t go after the guy yourself, bring along the girl who will hook him for you.

After your guy is wrangled keep it real. Keep your long-term dating goals in mind and don’t lower your standards just because the guy is cute and charming. He’s obviously interested and the beauty of it is you’re in control from here on out. The man is going to push the boundaries to see how far you’ll let him go, but the main three words in that phrase is “you’ll let him.” I reiterate, you’re in control.

You can have anything you want, just set the stage and go after it!

Be What You Want!

So, you’ve read the blogs and the do’s and don’ts of dating, outlined the guy you want and are ready to jump in the dating game. Ready, set, be what you want!!!  Wondering what I mean here, huh? Well, exactly what it says; “be what you want,” even if it is only for a little while.  

When you outline the kind of guy you want, you want to present yourself in a way that will attract this type of guy to you. I know they say opposites attract, but really now, who is attracted to someone so different from themselves they can’t even get to the first impression? Think about it; when you meet someone, the high point of the conversation comes when you get to that “Really?! ME TOO!” moment. It’s so exciting to find a total stranger actually likes that weird thing that you do because they do it too!

Now, you want a guy that’s confident, not overbearing, can start a conversation, and is presentable in familial situations. You are less likely to get this guy if you are arrogant, overbearing, and dress like a playboy bunny. Hence, if you want a {insert your description here} kind of guy, you will need to exhibit some of these same characteristics.  Mind you, opposites still do attract, but, unless you have a crazy physical chemistry with a magnetic animal attraction, you’re going to have to put in a little work in getting that desired guy.

If you’re looking for a specific guy, this is what you want to portray when you put yourself out there.  Don’t be a wallflower looking for the life of the party; more than likely, he’s going to be paying attention to the circle around him, not the person in the shadows hungrily watching him (can you say creepy?) When I say be what you want, I don’t mean for you to change the person you are, or pretend to be something you’re not, but step outside of your comfort zone; put in a little work to get what you want.  If you’re normally a shy person, take that chance to initiate a conversation, or step in the circle and smile along with the guy that’s the life of the party; it’s not changing who you are, it’s using social skills.

In the words of Lyfe Jennings, “don’t be a nickel out here looking for a dime!” I know opposites attracts, but remember similarities do too; if you look trashy, you might get some great attention from a great guy who might read “easy” written across your  forehead, but if you’re looking for something solid to build on, the trashy guy is going to be looking at you for that. And think about it, even a great guy is going to come across and present himself as “trashy” if he thinks that’s what you’re putting out.  Be confident, know your worth, and express this in the social skills you’re presenting so that you are approached by a confident guy who will respect you and what you stand for.

Location, Location, Location

Just like with real estate, location is everything in the man hunt. While the type of man you’re looking for may go to a club or bar from time to time, the chances of you finding Mr. Right on the dance floor is slim to none. Who’s to say exactly where you’ll bump into Mr. Right, and I’ll concede that it happens for some people, but let’s be realistic. That kind of thing doesn’t happen to the majority of us.

Men are everywhere we look. They’re at the grocery store, church, in class, at the bar, at the coffee shop… Despite popular belief, it’s quite easy to find a man. You can go to any bar right now, show a random man some attention, and he’ll end up buying you a drink, asking you for your phone number, or at least making an inappropriate proposition to you. But, is that the kind of man you want?

There’s a simple two-step process to help you begin your man hunt.

Step One:  Identify what kind of man you want and think about where you can find him.

Step Two: You have to put yourself out there and make yourself available to be found. Even in the smallest towns there are social organizations you can join and broaden your dating horizons. There might not be any available bachelors in that group, per se, but I guarantee that there’s someone in there that has a single nephew or their son’s best friend is looking for a great girl that they’re just dying to introduce to you. If nothing else, then there is always Internet dating sites. I, personally, am not a big fan of these, but they can at least keep your socialization and flirting skills sharp until you move out of virtual reality into reality.

Try something different. Don’t go to a bar and wait for a man to seek you out, or just sit at home waiting for Mr. Right to knock on the door. Join a group, volunteer, go to a community festival, go to church socials…just get out there and show all those great guys what a catch you are!

Playing Your Cards Right

In my first posting I admitted to allowing myself to dream of marriage and unborn children with a man I first begin to date. I still freely admit this, but I just want to add that I never, ever act on these dreams and I certainly don’t tell the man about these visions and hopes. We can’t help what fantasies and thoughts we have, but we sure as heck have control over what comes out of our mouths and what behaviors we engage in.

Any man who is willing to move quickly in a relationship is bad news bears. We’ve all been on a date with a guy who moved way too quickly. It was a turn-off wasn’t it? They come across as desperate and you can bet your bottom dollar they’re going to be needy and controlling if you do actually get into a relationship with them. As women, how are we any different doing the same things to men?

There are major, obvious differences between the two sexes, but there are also universal red flags we all adhere to. No psychologically healthy person wants a partner who will be demanding, smothering, and controlling. While it’s normal for us to dream and hope for the future, it’s not something we should verbalize to a potential partner early in the dating game. And yes, dating is a game that has to be played. If I knew more about poker I’d make some cheesy reference about full houses, royal flushes, whatever…but I don’t, so I’ll just stick to “Play your cards right” when it comes to the beginning stages of the relationship (i.e. the first few dates).

First and foremost, play it cool and don’t be an oversharer. Keep in mind that after the date ends and you go your separate ways, he’s going to pull out his phone and call one of his buddies. He has no real loyalty to you yet, so that deep dark secret you revealed is fair game for future running jokes between him and his circle of friends. Not only that, but as I mentioned before, jumping off the deep end so early into a relationship is a turn off. Dating is just a test drive. He wants to see if investing time in you and a relationship with you is worth the trouble. If you’re trouble in the beginning don’t expect him to invest anything into you.

Pay attention to body language and nonverbal cues. I could do the therapist thing and tell you specific things to look for, but come on…if he looks bored or uninterested while you’re talking, he probably is. Change the subject.

Laugh at his jokes whether you think they’re funny or not. He might have asked you out, but it’s your job to be hospitable. Dates are just like relationships, you have to work at having a good one. Go into it with a positive, upbeat attitude, and work to make it a good experience. I’d advise you to throw some compliments his way. The way to a man’s heart isn’t through food; it’s by stroking the male ego.

Don’t talk about past relationships and for heaven’s sake don’t talk about your exes no matter how much you hate them or how wrong they treated you. I went on a date earlier this year with a man who was on his first date since his divorce from his ex-wife. He talked the entire time about her, angrily I might add, and let me reassure you, there was no second date. Leave your baggage at home. As the relationship progresses and he begins to prove his trustworthiness you can start unpacking your bags one item at a time.

Don’t talk about sex and don’t try to seduce him. It makes you look slutty. If that’s the look you’re going for then by all means go for it, but remember your long-term relationship goals. Men wanting to be in serious, long-term relationships don’t want sluts, they want respectable ladies they can trust and invite into their lives.

Don’t start the relationship on a rocky foundation. This means don’t lie to your date about the things that suck in your life. You have to let him know up front if you’re crashing on your best friend’s couch right now, looking for work, have children, or are really 40 instead of 30. He has the right to know, and you have the right to move on if these are deal breakers for him.

If you don’t like him and aren’t interested in a second date, then ignore everything I’ve just told you. It’ll work on a normal guy. If he calls you for a second date after you intentionally sabotage the first one, it’s a clear indicator that he has issues.

For any men who may be reading this…here’s a freebie for you. On the first date (and all future dates preferably), be a gentleman. Open the door for her, pay for the meal, be respectful. Work to put your date at ease, compliment her, and make her laugh. Don’t look at the hot girl who walks past the table, don’t flirt with the waitress, and don’t compare your date to all the other girls in the room. She should be your main focus, and it helps to actually listen to what she’s saying. Don’t drink too much, don’t make lewd comments, don’t have bad table manners, don’t brag about yourself, and for the love of all things cute and cuddly, don’t expect her to put out! The same rules apply to you…remember your long-term relationship goals.

Take things slowly and remember, this guy has to prove himself worthy of you. You are not on trial here, he is. If things don’t work out and he doesn’t call you again, don’t feel rejected or bad about yourself. Count your blessings that you don’t have to waste any more time with someone you don’t have chemistry or a future with.

NEEDINESS, CLINGINESS, OVER-SENSITIVITY….OH MY!

I am one of “those girls.” You know…one of ”those girls” that does all the stereotypical things that pushes men away from them. I like to think I’m one of those cool girlfriends who aren’t needy, clingy, or overly sensitive, but upon self-reflection, there has been a point in each of my relationships where I have erred on the side of neediness, clinginess, and being overly sensitive. For me, allowing a man to breach the boundaries I have in place with men and allowing him the honor of being in my life is a big deal. It’s difficult to allow yourself to be that vulnerable with anyone, especially with a man who has such power over the ebb and flow of your emotions.

Go ahead and admit it, ladies. Men have a certain way about them that make our feminist mindsets disappear. We cook their favorite foods, we wear our hair the way they like it, we neglect friends, we do things we swore we would never do… How many of you, when you get out of a relationship, say never again will a man have that much power over you? How many of you have forgotten that very oath the second another man comes into the picture?

For me, nothing can make my day better than getting attention from the guy I like. In the same regards, nothing can ruin my day quicker than the guy I like becoming upset with me, or saying something stupid to hurt my feelings, or just not responding to my texts in a quick enough amount of time. Even just recently a trip of a lifetime was almost ruined because the guy I was dating at the time decided a few hours before I boarded the plane to be a jerk-off…and (to my horror) I had only been on three dates with him but I was allowing him to do this to me!!

So why can’t I practice what I preach? It’s those darn emotions. As a counselor, it’s easy for me to give others advice because I’m not emotionally involved in the situation and can therefore be objective. When it comes to my own relationships, my brain can tell me the logical thing to do, but my heart tugs my decisions in the opposite direction. Nothing makes me more emotionally vulnerable and illogical than relationships. When it comes to romance, men cease to be men. The man is a representation of so much more than just another human being you have a relationship with. The “boyfriend” is the culmination of hopes, dreams, insecurities, fears, warmth, happiness, completion, companionship, unconditional love…need I go on? The longer we’re with them, the more invested we become. The more invested we are, the less control we have over our own emotions.

There is nothing scarier than the feeling of not being in control of yourself. Well, I take that back. There’s nothing scarier than realizing that another human being has control over you. That’s when we become clingy and needy. We begin to try to start controlling our men to regain that feeling of control of ourselves. I’m not going to let you make me feel this way, so I’m going to nag you and make you feel guilty enough until you do what I want so I can feel the way I want. Yeah, it’s just as complicated and stupid as those two sentences sound.  What we fail to realize, until it’s far too late I might add, is those behaviors we’re using in an attempt to regain control, is doing nothing but causing us to lose control in our relationships. We end up pushing our men away by our clingy, needy, overly sensitive behaviors and create more problems that cause us to be even more needy and clingy. It’s a vicious cycle that can be prevented.

Drop the needy crap and be the cool girlfriend. Here’s some tips:

1.       Know your insecurities – knowledge is power. The more you know about your own issues, the more you can do to not put them on your man.

2.       Review past blogs. YOU DO NOT NEED A MAN TO FULFILL YOU. You are a bright, beautiful, capable woman who is in control of your own life, thoughts, and emotions.

3.       You can love your man and be emotionally attached to him without having to control him. Do not go against the current, just go with the flow. If you’re in a mutually loving and respectful relationship your man isn’t going to intentionally do anything to shatter your vulnerable heart. Just chill out and trust him.

4.       If you’re a recovering needy girlfriend you will relapse. The insecurity monster will rear its ugly head, but’s it’s OK. Acknowledge the neediness, apologize to your man, talk it out, and fight through the next episode of neediness you’ll have.

5.       If he’s truly in love with you, he’s just as scared of being vulnerable and hurt as you are. Remember that and don’t take advantage of it.

6.       It’s OK for him to have friends and a life outside of your relationship. If he loves you and is deserving of you, he won’t abuse/betray your trust. P.S. It’s OK for you to have friends and a life outside of your relationship, too.

7.       If he does happen to mess up a little and hurt your feelings, take responsibility for your feelings, communicate them to your man, forgive him, and drop it. Simply say something along the lines of “I feel ____________ when you _______________.” Define the problem, come up with a solution, and DROP IT. If it continues to happen…maybe he doesn’t deserve you….

a.       Side note: He didn’t make you feel anything, you allowed yourself to feel a certain way about a situation. No one has the power to make you feel anything, that’s all on you.

8.       Even though you may have been together for 20 years and he’s your soul mate, he can’t read your mind. Let’s just be honest, he probably can’t even get the not-so-subtle hint you’ve been dropping all week. Short, uncomplicated sentences work wonders. “I need a hug.” “Please take out the trash after dinner.” “My birthday is next week and I want to go to the Olive Garden for dinner where I want you to give me perfume for my present.” Just say what you want.

9.       No more of this passive-aggressive business. It’s very unattractive and unproductive. Review #8. It isn’t going to magically dawn on him that he didn’t take out the trash because you’re in the kitchen banging pots and pans, and he can’t see inside your head to know you’re mad he didn’t remember the anniversary of the first time you made snowmen together. Tell him the deal, let him apologize, and get over it. It goes so much more quickly this way.

10.   Remember, he’s a guy. Most men aren’t socialized to be emotional or empathetic to the fact we’re on our period and bloated. He just wants a beer and to see something naked. Accept him for who and what he is and not what you think he should be.

a.       Side note: Men are fixers. Fixing things are hard-wired into their brains. If you bring a problem to him, he’s going to try to fix it. Unless you tell him, he isn’t going to know that a simple hug or caress will be all that you need. Give him a disclaimer up front…”Baby, I want to tell you about my problem, but I just want you to listen, not try to fix it…”

11.   Love is never easy. It isn’t meant to be easy. You have to open your heart even though you’re scared and take a chance. Make sure he’s worth the trouble before you jump in the deep end, but if you can’t trust him with the deepest, most vulnerable part of you then what are you doing with him?

Take this advice. Add to it. Modify it. But get real ladies. Being needy and clingy may be cute in the beginning of a relationship, but is a major turn-off once the cuteness fades. Keep yourself in check and remember, if you give a man your heart you have to give him your whole heart. Being clingy and needy only shows that maybe you’re not quite as ready to be in love as you thought you were.

Beware of "The Thrill of the Chase!"

"Hey honey, sweetheart, beautiful, sexy, pumpkin, cuty, my special girl..." Ever meet a guy with sugar dripping from his honeycomb lips? Whispers the sweetest nothings in your ear and it's only the first conversation text message/phone call before you even get to the actual date? Begin "The Chase." Yes, the thrill of going after something you want. Like how you REALLY want that pair of shoes and you go to a thousand different stores "chasing" 'em then you get it, wear 'em once and now they're hanging out in the back of your closet? Get my drift ladies? Men love the "thrill" of the chase. Now don't get me wrong, of course there are some legitimate sugar canes out there that are in it to win, or will stick around past the sappy "come hither" talk. Make sure you are aware of what type you're hanging out with.
A man will tell you little, tiny, subtle things about himself that he will not tell you verbally while he is actually speaking to you...Lose anybody? Okay, let me find you and pull you back in. ; ) Men don't always say exactly what they mean (WHAT?!). It's true friends; no matter how they pull the "man" card of ALWAYS saying what they mean and meaning what they say, it's not true. I know. I know. More work for us ladies. But being aware of this and using the information will be well worth the pay out in the end.
So, how do you know? Well, in a conversation, a man will tell you what he feels you need to hear so that he can do one of a couple of things: 1) Get to know you better, 2) Get to know you better so he can sleep with you 3) Get to know you better so that he can figure out if you are worth his hanging around until he can sleep with you. We want to shoot for number one. To do this, all you need to do is.... LISTEN to what he tells you and LOOK at his behavior. A man who steps to you and says "hey sugar honey iced-tea you got the best legs this side of creation!" is telling you, I noticed your legs and i'm attracted to you physically. Keep him talking for a little while, and he tells you, "you're the most beautiful woman I have seen in my life, including my mama!" Laying it on extra thick isn't he? The more you keep him talking, the more you see, this guy is really hung up on looks...didn't he hear me say thank you the first thousand times he complimented my D-Cup? Yes, he heard you, and because you continue to relish in this type of complimentary behavior, the more forward he will become. He wants to let you know, "I've been hurt in the past so I want to be just friends first" as he tries to stuff his tongue down your throat while unhooking your bra. This is when you create "the sex buddy," "friend with benefits" "cut friend" or whatever you want to call it...so many names for it these days...Now mind you, a mature woman has the right to engage in any type of relationship she wants, including but not limited to the forementioned ones. But, if this is not the type of relationship you want, BEWARE of honey lips. A man who is trying to get the goods will not only tell you what he thinks will let him get it and go, but may hang in for some time. This is the man you are fighting off after every date who says "I mean, it is our third date." This is the guy you've talked to for a couple of weeks and you've yet to go on a date, although he wants to come over or have you come to him, really late (or really early) to "spend time with you." (Can you say "booty call"?) A man who wants to pressure you for sex or anything that you are not comfortable with is not interested in you as a person. If they were, they'd be listening to you talk about your values, desires, and things you are comfortable with instead of groping you and picturing you in your birthday suit.
So, some of us are newly single or seasonedly single, used-to-having-it-on-the-regular ladies who get a little heated after so much attention is being thrown our way (Guilty!) But this is where you take that cold shower, pull out your bullet pal and ask yourself: Is this guy really worth it if he can't even listen,hear me, and be accepting of what I want? I know it's hard sometimes (literally...) but believe me, there's a guy out there who you will let strip you naked and when you give him the red light before point of entry, he will absolutely STOP. Okay, so I'm hoping you don't go this far because it gets a little difficult to stop a train that's "full steam" ahead. But, there is a guy who will like you so much he wants to kiss you, touch you, caress you, make love to you, and do anything that you ask him to do to your body...when you are ready and give him the green light. Remember, your body is a temple and deserves to be appreciated and above all, RESPECTED. Seem a little familiar? Well, you know how you study something, over, and over, and over, and over again so you remember it? A little of that going on here. ; )
So, beware of honey lips who doesn't respect what you're saying because he's distracted by what's underneath what you you're wearing. Mr. I want your body so much I can hardly contain myself but I respect you and like you too much to do anything to jeapordize even our friendship (mouthful I know) is out there. Sweet as he can be, up and down, inside out, not just at the top before you get to that bitter layer of resentment and "rejection" because you didn't give in (yay you! pat yourself on the back).
So, as I pre-read this blog before posting, I realize, I've given you great examples of what to look out for, but hardly any on what to look for. Here goes: A man who gives you the time of day. Plain and simple. He calls/texts and lets you know what is going on with him, but, he also wants to know what's going on with you. He is concerned and is so busy listening to you that he can know what you need before you have to repeat it. Okay okay, I'm a little biased in this area, but you know what you want in a man, and you know how to listen and look for what seems right for you. Remember what you are worth, and what is worth you having a guy who doesn't treat you how you would like.
In closing, pay attention for the wolf in sweet's clothing. Wouldn't you rather have the sweetness all the way through rather than get to the center and see it's a little sour? ; )

Deserving or Undeserving...That Is the Question

Too many of us are afflicted with low self-esteem, negative self talk, and poor body images. Despite what we may look like or think, we are all beautiful women with qualities that are attractive to the right man. On those nights when you're feeling down and out about being the only single girl in your circle of friends, remember that there is at least....at least...one man out there who would kill to be with you. You are everything that he's been praying for and he is just as sad as you that he hasn't found you yet.

I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Some men are in our lives to teach us something about ourselves or what we want (or don't want) in a relationship. Some we fall in love with, date long-term, but in the end realize they're not "the one." Others are those diamonds in the rough who are husband material. So, how do we differentiate between which one is which? Easy. Ask yourself on a regular basis, "Is this man deserving of me?" Answer honestly without making excuses. It's a yes or no question that should be answered with a simple yes or no response.

A man will always, always, always let you know how he feels about you. Not necessarily with the words he says, but by his actions. Any man can tell you that he loves you, but only a man who truly does will demonstrate this love on a regular basis. A man who disrespects you, neglects you, abuses you, or belittles you does not love you. A man who does not listen and work to fulfill your basic needs and wants does not love you (I said basic now...don't break up with a good man just because he can't buy you a car or a $500 dog). Anyone who is not willing to put the necessary work into a relationship does not deserve you.

Even if you're just beginning to date a guy, he'll let you know up front what he's looking for and what type of man he is by his actions. I've talked with many men about their ideas of reciprocity when it comes to how much money they spend on a date and how much physical intimacy they expect in return at the end of the date. Don't think that you have to put out just because your date buys you the surf and turf at dinner. If he gets angry because you won't go as far as he wants, he doesn't deserve you. Some guys have said that by the third date a girl should be putting out. That's a load of crap. Never do anything to compromise your self-respect for some random guy. Your body is a temple and should be treated with respect by both you and the man you're dating. Don't let a guy pressure you into doing anything that you can't walk away at the end of the night with your self-respect intact and your head held high.

Think about your past relationships. What worked? What didn't? A man who deserves you will continue to make an effort and will work with you to grow in the relationship. A man who deserves you will listen to your needs and what you want in the relationship and will make an effort to give you those things. He might not be successful, or he might not be able to give you those things every time, but he'll at least try. He will respect your boundaries and won't pressure you to redefine them. Most importantly, he'll be there for you unconditionally with no strings attached. He won't run away at the first hardship or fight you have, he'll see you through the good times and bad. Always keep those traditional wedding vows in your mind...in sickness and in health, in good times and bad, for better or for worse, to honor and respect you, forsaking all others...if he can't do that now outside of a marriage, what makes you think he'll be able to do that when you are married? A piece of paper and ring does not a good man make.

Your mantra for the rest of your dating life should be something along these lines...I am beautiful, I am worthy of love, I deserve to be honored and cherished, I will not settle for someone who does not deserve me. Have respect for yourselves ladies...if you don't respect yourself how can any man, deserving or undeserving, do the same?



"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

Before You Settle For Less....

So, we've learned that life is not a fairytale, no stunning prince on a charming horse will fall out of the sky and sweep you off your feet; now what?! No happily ever after? No galloping away into the sunset with the man of your dreams? Okay, okay, enough of the negative "there is no such thing as true love." There is! But the key to finding this is not wishing upon a star or waiting for "the one" to walk up to you and the rest is history. There is work involved ladies; yes, work. One of the best quotes I've heard (although I have no frigging idea who came up with it) is "anything worth wanting is worth fighting for." In this day and age, if we want true love, we must fight for it.
What the heck am I talking about? I'm saying we must fight for true love by knowing that we deserve the best, we are worthy of everything we feel we need in a relationship (within reason), and we should not give up the good fight and settle for that one guy who seems like he kind of maybe could be the one if he would just.....STOP!!! Don't go any farther with that statement. I think we get so caught up in the fact that life is not a fairytale, that we forget there are some stellar moments that happen that can make us feel like we are living one. So, how do you get to those "stellar moments" that make you think "fairytale?" Standards. Yes, I mean run of the mill "this is what I want" standards. Conditions of which you would like to enter a relationship with that special someone. Standards are important because they help you to understand what you need in a relationship, and keep you on track to finding that perfect somebody; perfect for YOU, that is. But also remember to be flexible and reasonable. For example, we see in the movies all the time that tall, dark, handsome, sensitive, romantic man that is caring, considerate, thoughtful, and worships the ground you walk on. However, in real life, it is rare to find a man who exhibits ALL of these qualities ALL of the time. With that said, set your standards, be flexible, but DO NOT SETTLE.
Now you ask, what is the difference between flexing and settling? The definition of flex is "to bend." One of the definitions of settle is "to sink down gradually." Being flexible means accepting imperfections that you feel are not a deal breaker, because they A)don't negatively impact the way you feel about yourself and B) annoy the heck out of you, but it's something that you can live with.  Being flexible means you compromise and understand that  pesky "one thing" is something that makes that one guy "that guy," and you feel special knowing you snagged him. On the other hand, settling for a guy that makes you feel bad (physically, mentally, or spiritually), question yourself and desirability, or just plain out makes you sad, just because he meets three of your top five standards, will leave you in a sinkhole wondering: how do I get out of here? Ladies, we have to hold out for that guy that meets all five standards. When you go to a fancy restaurant, and they present you with a menu that boasts of the best steak you've ever eaten, for a handsome price, I'm sure you wouldn't settle for a nicely browned loaf of ground chuck on a fancy plate, dressed to sort of kind of look like the filet in the picture. Wouldn't you rather wait until the REAL thing arrives? I mean, you ARE paying for it. Okay so figuratively speaking. But if you do settle for a man who does not meat ; ) your standards, you pay for it with your time, energy, and maybe even your feelings and self-esteem. Remember what you are worth, and always know that you deserve the best! Know that your standards may differ from your friends, and try not to get caught up in the hype. If you know that bestie who has a man who forgets her birthday, doesn't take out the trash, and never tells her he loves her but she's skating on cloud 9, don't think "well she is happy...." STOP!!! and wait for your man who takes out the trash so often you forget what garbage is! Knows your birthday better than your parents (okay exaggerating here but you get the idea), and tells you he loves you AT LEAST twice a day. What's okay for your bestie, or anyone else for that matter, may not be what's best for you. One of the most important parts of a relationship is having respect for each other. If you meet someone who you want to "flex" with, but he doesn't respect your needs or conditions for the relationship, you're probably settling, not flexing. You want to be confident knowing that what you feel like you need from a relationship will be given to you---within reason. Ah ha!! A catch you say? Well yeah, this is where that work thing comes into play. Understand that with a great relationship comes great work. Don't demand things from your SOS, but meet him halfway. Communicate, communicate, and oh yea, communicate!! Set boundaries for your relationship before it becomes the type of relationship you want it to be. (By the way, this will rule out those guys that just want to take a test drive and move on to the next car *wink wink*). This means, let SOS know exactly what you want in a relationship before you get too far into it( i.e, the first date, or at least by the third). This doesn't mean bring out your wedding book and talk about the five kids you can't wait to have. It is okay to express the goals you have in mind for yourself and let them know,I would like to get married someday and have kids. If they can't meet the standards (whatever they are), help them exit stage left. More than likely, they will drop the curtain themselves and move on before you can make the exit known if they aren't up to par. Or, believe it or not, they may have their owns standards that you may not be okay with (i.e I sleep with all my dates the first night, believe in open relationships with no labels, and  I never want to get married). This is where you DON'T SETTLE, and YOU exit stage left!
All in all, don't sell your self short thinking of how you will never find that one if you don't grab the next kinda decent fella that walks by (since fairytales don't exist.) Remember, Disney fairytales are just that; tales. But, if you hold to your standards and have patience YOUR real life fairytale will eventually come to you.

Death of the Dream

Like most girls, I grew up watching Disney princess movies. My favorite was Sleeping Beauty and I wore the VHS tape out watching it over and over again every day. I loved the idea of just walking around one day doing my thing and suddenly meeting the man of my dreams. That movie taught me that a man who wanted to be with me would risk life and limb to save me when I needed him, be sensitive and attentive, and we would always live happily ever after. Some of you will laugh when you read that, but deep down isn't that what we all secretly still want? I still believe that one day I'm going to be shopping in Wal-Mart and literally bump into the man of my dreams. My generation especially has been indoctrinated with the idea that we're all princesses and our Prince Charming is out there waiting to sweep us off our feet. Big surprise that as adults we are still waiting for that perfect guy to fall out of the sky and into our hearts who will be the right combination of everything. We're waiting on him to make our lives better and fulfill us.

I freely admit that when I get into a new relationship I'm already picturing the wedding and what our kids are going to look like. It's not that I sincerely think this guy is "the one," it's just a continuation of this childhood fantasy. I want my Prince Charming and Happily Ever After, and for the first few months of the relationship, when we're still in the infatuation stage of the romance, I get him. The emotions are raw and exciting, everything is new, he's still wooing me and trying to impress me, and the hope of what could be is fresh and abundant. But, we all know what happens next. Life happens, reality sets in, and the rose-tinted glasses come off. When hard times come, and they always come, I keep going back and insisting that the guy from the first few months is who my guy really is...he's just going through a hard time right now, or he's got a lot on his mind, or he's really busy at work. The excuses come out, but the truth is the guy six months into the relationship is a truer picture of who he really is than the guy from the honeymoon period. I've created this false belief about the guy I'm dating, and he's forever judged and held to those standards.

We don't fall in love with the man, we fall in love with the hope, with the dream that everything we've waited for could finally be happening. When I go through a break-up and am mourning the end of the relationship, I'm not upset about not being with the guy anymore, I'm upset my dream of romance and a fairytale love is over. When I break up with a guy I obviously know things aren't working and he's not right for me, but the breakup is so hard to get over because that the hope I had in the beginning is gone. The death of the dream of happily ever after is the hardest part to get over.

Ladies, a man can never and will never make you happy if you're not already happy in your life.  Happily Ever After is something you have to work towards every day whether you're single or in a relationship. Romantic love is only one dimension of your life. Are you happy with who you are as a person? Are you satisfied in your career? With your friends, your home, your spirituality, your health, your hobbies? Do you have any bad habits you want to kick? Take an in-depth look at your life and assess if you're truly happy. The right guy is out there looking for you, but you need to take care of your demons and make your life what you want it to be before you go looking for him. 

There are good men still out there, but don't let childhood ideas of what Prince Charming should be cause you to overlook them. Remember, should is not reality. Love what is, not what should be.

So in closing, here's some key points to remember. There is a man out there who is capable and willing to love you for exactly who you are. A man will put his best foot forward in the beginning of your relationship to seal the deal, but he is not Prince Charming and there is no guaranteed Happily Ever After. He has his faults and there will be hard times in your relationship. Your man is who he is, and if you can't accept him don't waste any more of each others' time. Don't wait for a man to give you the life you want - give it to yourself. Set goals and work to accomplish them. Be satisfied with all areas of your life so you can find a man who will be your partner, not your savior.