Saturday, September 10, 2011

The Dating Field of Dreams

I’ve never seen “Field of Dreams,” but I live by that iconic quote everyone has heard…”If you build it, he will come.” I draw inspiration from the quote in my career and with my dating life.  If I want a job first thing I’m going to do is see what’s out there. I’m going to check the help wanted section in the newspaper, update my resume, and do what I have to do to let potential employers know I exist and would be good for their company. Once I land a job interview I’m going to prepare myself for the first meeting. See where I’m going here? I have a goal and I'm putting the necessary work into achieving my goal.
It’s the same principle with dating – you’re just getting your ducks in a row so when Mr. Right comes along everything is already in place.  This begins with building the foundation to have the type of relationship you want. Laying the foundation starts in your mind. Open yourself up to the idea that Mr. Right exists, you deserve him and will find him, and having a healthy relationship is an actual possibility within your reach.
That’s the theory, next is the execution. My last blog talked about putting yourself out there, and that’s our next step but you just can’t bust out onto the scene any ole way you want. First impressions are everything, especially where dating is concerned. In one glance you determine whether you’re attracted to a man or not. Men are no different from us in this regard. A sideways glance may be all that you get from a guy you’re attracted to. Do all you can to show him that you are worth a second look. I shudder to even type that sentence because everyone who knows me will tell you I’m the first to say “Screw you” to any guy who is only interested in what I look like on the outside. Who I am on the inside is far more beautiful than anything I can portray on the outside, but (even though I hate the idea) a man will never learn of all the good qualities I have to offer if I don’t make him interested in learning about them in the first place.
Not being completely shallow, physical beauty is only a small percentage of what goes into making a good first impression. First and foremost, present yourself in a way that reflects the type of woman you are. Portray yourself in a favorable light.  I’ve said this before, respect yourself and your body. If you dress slutty you’re sending the message that you’re slutty. Men will then in turn think that you’re a slut and treat you as such. You don’t have to have your goodies hanging out; guys can see what you’re working with even with everything covered up. Present yourself as the classy lady you are.
Next comes your attitude. I’m shy by nature, especially with men, and my shyness comes off as being standoffish. You’ll have to step out of your comfort zone and show a warmth and openness that will make you approachable. I’m terrified of rejection, so you know there are men who are just as terrified. It takes a lot of balls to put yourself out there with a girl you’re interested in, so if you reciprocate that interest, show him. Smile, make eye contact, have open body language, and work to make sure he knows you’re not rejecting him. Even if you just see a guy looking at you, make eye contact and hold it. Looking away in fear the second you see a cute guy looking at you only communicates to him that you’re not interested. Fight the fear and smile at him. That’s his cue to take the next step and approach you. If he doesn’t come over, don’t think there’s something wrong with you – he just might be scared.
We'd all love to think that all men are highly confident and forward when it comes to women, but let's get real. For every 1 guy that actually approaches you, I promise there are at least 5 others who are trying to talk themselves into doing the same thing. All the unhealthy self talk we experience is not exclusive to our gender. Men have fears, insecurities, and uncertainties, too. Remember what I’ve said in an earlier blog, dating is a game. Play it smartly and stack the deck to your advantage. If you’re with a group of girls, make a point to separate from them at some point in the night to make it easier for a guy to approach you. Go over to the jukebox, look at a painting, go up to the bar alone... If a guy has a hard enough time approaching you as it is he definitely does not want an audience of your girlfriends there when he's at his most vulnerable.
When you’re making plans to go out – I don’t recommend going out with wallflowers, especially if you’re a wallflower yourself. As I said earlier, I’m shy. I’ve found it very helpful to go out with friends who are more outgoing and daring than I am. Not only do they help to bring me out of my shell with their energy, but they create situations that would not have otherwise happened. They can act as the bridge between me and a guy I’m interested in. It’s also very beneficial to have that one girl in the group who is known at “the guy wrangler.” My sister-in-law began dating my brother after one of her guy wrangling friends walked up to my brother and suggested he ask my now sister-in-law out because she thought he was cute. If you can’t go after the guy yourself, bring along the girl who will hook him for you.
After your guy is wrangled keep it real. Keep your long-term dating goals in mind and don’t lower your standards just because the guy is cute and charming. He’s obviously interested and the beauty of it is you’re in control from here on out. The man is going to push the boundaries to see how far you’ll let him go, but the main three words in that phrase is “you’ll let him.” I reiterate, you’re in control.
You can have anything you want, just set the stage and go after it!

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