Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Guys Do It, Too!

So, I was washing the dishes after dinner and was using that time to ponder over my current situation. I was doing the usual self-deprecating thing we women do when the sizzle starts to fizzle in our relationships. That would be wondering why all the men I get involved with are so excited about me when we first get together but over time they lose steam and interest. If I'm so great and wonderful in the beginning and I've been consistent (if not worked harder) with treating you well, why is my awesomeness not enough almost a year into the relationship? It then dawned on me mid-scrub that guys are no different than we are when it comes to dreams and expectations in a new relationship.

I don't know why that surprised me - I guess I just always thought of guys as being completely black and white creatures. I still have the whole Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus mentality going on I guess. While I concede the simple fact that we have different body parts and are socialized differently, why would a man not want to meet the girl of his dreams and have the love of his life?

Take one of my exes as an example. He and I began dating a couple of months after his first tour in Iraq. He had just gotten out of a long-term relationship with a girl he didn't feel loved him anymore and was just using him for his money. I enter stage right with all my wonderful qualities and give him all the attention, affection, and warm fuzzies he had missed with her for years... Voila, the makings of a potential fairytale romance. Is this not what I had described in "Death of the Dream?" Things obviously changed between us after the first six months or so. We stayed together for a few more months, but after a year and a half he just couldn't get that same happiness and warm fuzzies as he did in the beginning.

I used to beat myself up over the idea that I wasn't making him happy anymore. I shed many a tear over the thought that I just wasn't good enough...nothing I did was good enough and he would never love me the way he used to. Now, years later, I understand that he wasn't happy with his life in general, not me specifically. It wouldn't have mattered if I had all the qualities of a Stepford Wife and did everything right. I had no power to change what was happening in his life and I certainly didn't have the power to alter his mood.

In every relationship I get into I want my man to put me on a pedestal, but I want to be up there unconditionally. I want him to treat me the way I want to be treated, but I don't want every minor mistake or bad day he has to cause me to slip from up there. Six months into the relationship I usually find myself hanging on the ledge for dear life and then my hands start slipping finger by finger as the months go by. By the time I'm hanging on by one finger I'm usually beating myself up over why I didn't do more, what I could have done differently, why I'm not good enough...

What a relief to finally realize that I am good enough. I'm still the great girl that I was in the beginning, but his fantasy of what I was didn't pan out over time. He made me Super Girlfriend. He made me something I wasn't, I never pretended to be more than I was. You can't live up to impossible standards forever.

Don't call your man up and beg him to tell you what you did wrong and why he doesn't love you anymore. You're not the woman of his dreams. That might hurt to hear now, but remember, if you're not the woman of his dreams he's not going to treat you like you are. You deserve better than that. Take a deep breath and let this sink in. Hopefully the relief will wash over you as it did me. You are good enough, he just failed to realize you're not a Disney princess that goes around singing to animals, baking from scratch in sexy lingerie, who stays young and firm forever, that's always perky and will rush to his beckon call... You are wonderful, beautiful, fabulous you. Your worth does not diminish because one guy can't love you unconditionally.

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