It’s Not Just Their Fault

So obviously the whole point of this blog is to remind you ladies to be realistic about men and relationships, and to further remind you that you do have a say in what happens to you. It’s very freeing to come to the realization that you can make your life anything you want it to be. It’s even more freeing to realize that you don’t have to be in a sucky relationship.

For any men reading this, just let me say what I need to say, but don’t stop here…I’m going to keep it real for y’all too.

First and foremost ladies, no man has the ability to control you unless you let him control you. We’ve already talked about how you can’t control your man, but the same is true for him. Controlling behaviors come in all different shapes and sizes – jealousy, physical abuse, emotional abuse, possessiveness, belittling, guilt trips…you’ve seen it. If your man (or woman) is more intent on making you feel bad about yourself than making you happy – leave. You deserve better than that. It’s scary to leave a relationship, especially when you’ve been in one for a long time, I’ve been there, but trust me when I say that you’ll make it through.

Here comes some tough love, ladies. I said we have to be realistic, and making the guys out to be in the wrong all the time is not realistic. There are some guys out there who are true jerks, but ladies we can do some pretty messed up things too. Look back on your last failed relationship. What did you do to contribute to the problems?

Sometimes we get too focused on what our man isn’t doing for us that we over look what he is doing. We expect a lot from them, but give nothing back in return. If you’re only in a relationship for what a man can give you, you’re in it for the wrong reason. Be more concerned about the acts of love and kindness he gives to you rather than the material objects he buys for you. Don’t get hung up on him not sending you flowers just because it’s Monday and miss out on the fact that he went to see that sappy romantic comedy with you he wouldn’t otherwise be caught dead in. Look at all the small things he does to prove himself than the things you think he should be doing but isn’t.

Most of us, male and female, thrive on drama of some sorts. Are you creating unnecessary drama in your relationship? Comedian Dane Cook joked about the “nothing fights” couples have after they’ve been together for a while. In his bit on these fights, he talked about a couple arguing over jelly in the grocery store. Come on now…get real. Life and relationships are hard enough as it is without having to bring in insignificant things to argue about. Couples I’ve counseled before have come to me with these exact problems, and I’ve found that these fights represent the symptoms of the syndrome. In other words, they’re fighting over small things because there are bigger issues that need addressing. Quit wasting your time on avoiding the main problem.

Take some time to honestly assess what you’re doing wrong in your relationship. It could be as simple as not communicating your needs to being possessive to just taking out your frustrations out on your man. Once you figure it out, keep yourself in check and choose your battles. Think of it this way, pretend you have a cap on how many fights you can have before your relationship falls apart. It doesn’t matter what you’re fighting about, it’s just the simple fact that you’re fighting. Is an argument over jelly worth creeping towards that ceiling?

Remember, he can’t control you, you can’t control him, but you can control what you say and do. Don’t nitpick and overanalyze every little thing your man does. Just because you got him and are in a relationship doesn’t mean that the work is over. Even if you’ve been married for 30 years, the work isn’t over. Work diligently to have the type of relationship you want and stop contributing to your part of the problems in your relationship.